Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Is it Time to Divorce Your Family?

5/4/2015

To survive growing up in a sexually abusive home, you had to deny what you witnessed, felt, and experienced. You had to numb and repress it. Like every child, you thought you could trust your family, the people who were supposed to love and care for you. Instead, they hurt you and ignored you.

This is your reality as a sexually abused child. This is your “truth.” An important part of the healing process is to accept this truth on a conscious level. However don’t make the mistake of seeking validation for the reality of your past from the family that ignored it. You may be ready to heal, but that doesn’t mean they are.

The sooner you stop seeking validation from the “wrong people,” the faster you’ll recover. If the wrong people are your family, then it might be time to divorce them and walk away for a while.

Healing is the process of identifying your negative beliefs and exchanging them for new, positive, empowering beliefs. Going back to the people who refuse to validate your truth only reinforces those negative beliefs.

Your greatest support and validation will come from fellow survivors. These are the people you meet online and locally in groups for the victims of child sexual abuse. You’ll also receive tremendous support and guidance from professional Abuse Survivor Coaches, who are often abuse survivors themselves.

These people are the ones who “get” where you’re coming from. Your reality is their reality. Your truth is their truth.

Sometimes you have to divorce the family you were born into and walk away. Coaches and your fellow survivors are the ones who will validate your truth, nourish your soul, and support you on this exciting healing journey you’ve undertaken.

Walk toward them. They’re the “family” you can count on.

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Were you sexually abused as a child? Is your life stuck as an adult, and you can’t seem to move forward? Svava Brooks is a child sexual abuse survivor, as well as a certified CSA instructor and an Abuse Survivor Coach. She offers private coaching sessions by phone or skype for child sexual abuse survivors just like you. For more information, email svava@educate4change.com or call 619-889-6366. Let Svava help you move forward again on your healing journey!

Are you on Svava’s email list? If you’d like to receive her empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to her weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

30 Comments

carol

5/4/2015 10:26:59 pm

Easier said than done. It is a slow process to realize how unhealthy they really are and then to take the steps to pull away while feeling guilty, confused and even sad. They are the only family you know and was your normal. Finding new family also takes time and isn't that easy. I want this and continue working toward it. Thanks for the post. It came at an important time for me to remind myself it is ok to divorce them.

Svava

5/5/2015 02:18:52 am

Hi Carol, I hear you and agree 100% It takes time to get ready for it, prepare and plan for it and the grieving of the loss of family. It not something anyone should just rush into, especially without other support. I am glad you found this post helpful and a reminder. Yes it is important to eventually choose what is best for us. The good news, if I can share is that today, I have reconnected with many of them, on my terms! Let me know if you are in need of additional support. There are a number of online communities where survivors can find support through their process.

Jan

5/8/2015 09:30:28 am

Yeah, it has been tough to divorce my family of origin, and the process is now complete. No longer feel one bit of guilt about this. My mother has been dead for over ten years now (died 4/26/2005, exactly a month before I turned 49), and my father is now almost 90, wheelchair-bound and in the latest stage of Alzheimer's Disease. He sexually abused me for approximately 18 years, as best I can put the blocked memories together. I have one sister who is not quite two years older than I am, and like my parents who I confronted about 15 years ago, continues to deny that anything was wrong in our middle-class family of four but whose very life puts a lie to that denial. We are virtually no longer in contact; when some bit of info. must be exchanged, we email each other. My father lives in a lovely assisted-living facility outside Chicago, very near to where my sister, her husband, and their adult-age son live. She also has my father's power of attorney and refused my asking one bloody thing about his investments despite the fact that only she and I are named in his will (which we have both been well aware of for years) . Just got (after almost 3 years of asking politely for the basics on his investments and how they were doing) one of the very coldest emails I have ever received in my life. Upon examining what she sent to me about six weeks ago, I took it along with a list of his assets my father gave directly to me in Dec. of 2006 (and this list was obviously written by a man who was a superb mathematician and prior to the onset of his dementia) to a man who acts as our financial advisor. He agreed with my sad assessment that it was pretty much impossible to account for a large sum of money missing from the assets my father said he had just over 8 years ago. So it certainly appears to me and this objective outsider that my sister has been scamming me so did not want to provide me with info. on his investments. Now I will tell her the info. simply does not add up and give her a chance to tell her side of the story and provide written evidence as well. Then if I am still unsatisfied I am going to tell her I will be retaining counsel and then do just that. and do so immediately. My mother was a raging alcoholic throughout my childhood which was seen as normal by me till I realized as an adult that it was not. My husband of almost 36 years comes from another horror story of a "family." I have told him in the past week that I will be filing for divorce because he mentally and emotionally abuses me. For example, he has the eye disease R.P. and is going blind fairly quickly. His dad and other members of his family also went blind over time. So he has preached that we needed to be so, so frugal for many years, and now we have a fair amount of money socked away for our futures. Then I recently realized (stopped denying) that he has been spending hundreds of dollars each month on a variety of luxuries he wants/wanted while telling me to deny anything but the very basics to myself. Anyway, I am getting out. Period. Good side of all this? I have two terrific grown daughters that I love with all my heart and a young grandson who is the very light of his grandmother's life. I am truly grateful for the good things in my life, and have no regret left for the people in my "family" I have kicked to the curb. Husband (soon to be ex, praise God) included. Enough said and have as happy a weekend as possible, all. Oh, BTY, I have begun writing, something I have been compelled to do for years and years and denied to myself because of my own self-hatred and fear of failure/fear of success. So I hold on to a bright future and try each moment to let the past be in the past... It is NEVER too late to have a better present and a better future.

5/10/2015 02:17:05 pm

Thank you for sharing Jan. Yes it is tough but I am glad you are through that process and can see that your future is brighter. The key is as like you shared to let the past be in the past. Keep writing you are really good at it... I really enjoyed reading it! Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

Crystal

5/5/2015 12:03:45 am

Thank you for these words today. I'm in the process of walking away from my family for a bit. My mother is one of my main triggers. I have very limited contact with her currently. They definitely reinforce my negative beliefs. It's time for a new beginning.

5/5/2015 02:22:07 am

Hi Crystal, You are welcome. It is awesome that you see, how your negative beliefs are triggered by her. That is key in order to manage and work on the triggers. Sounds like you are ready!

Kristín link

5/5/2015 02:05:27 am

Thank you Svava for these words.

5/5/2015 02:51:10 am

You are very welcome Kristín. I am glad you found it helpful!

Steve Collins link

5/5/2015 03:31:26 am

Svava: I always learn so much from you. Thank you for being faithful with these posts.
Steve

5/5/2015 03:22:14 pm

Dear Steve, thank you for your note. Glad I am providing you support and learning. You are very welcome!

jean

5/5/2015 08:04:22 am

Thank you for the post.ive walked from mine 5 years now but still carry terror and dont trust anyone.wish i could shake it off and move on but its like armour around me.

5/5/2015 03:28:27 pm

Dear Jean, You are welcome and I am so glad you are here. I do hope you consider getting support and learning some tools to help "shake it off" when you are ready. I know it seams like an impossible task, but it is possible. Over time, it does get better. It is hard to live with terror and you deserve peace. Thank you again Jean, and please let me know if you would like to learn more about how.

peter zuidland

5/5/2015 08:32:18 am

Thanks Svava, it's an important message and one not easy for many to come to terms with. I had to divorce myself from my mother and older sibling for my own safety; I was not a victim of incest but they refused to help me in my quest to get my abuser to court. Their negativity towards me and their behaviour caused a number of suicide attempts and the only way to move forward in recovery was to ditch them; nearly ten years have passed since any contact and I do not regret my decision. Denial/Cognitive Dissonance is a bastard.

5/5/2015 03:31:54 pm

You are welcome Peter. Agreed, not easy but for many the only way to finally find freedom from the denial and like you said cognitive dissonance. It is hard to change when no one around you supports the change or is threatened by the change. I am so glad you are still here and that you choose you! I appreciate you and your sharing, always.

Lisa

5/6/2015 12:11:21 am

Wow. This article is exactly where I am at right now. Circumstances make it difficult to walk away entirely when my mother wno is in bad health lives with the abusers. I had a year and half separation from them entirely and my emotional state and healing process was much better. Going back has been so hard to say the least and to not feel like I am going back into that world of pretending seems impossible . It can really mess with my mind for sure. Just reading this article helps to know someone understands these feelings . Thank you for sharing.

5/7/2015 02:40:08 pm

You are welcome Lisa. I am glad this give you hope to know you are not alone and someone gets it. I understand that it is hard to cut them out completely and forever. The good news is that you can't go back to how it was, not really. So hang onto yourself really tight, practice really good self care and self love and get a lot of support. I believe in you! You are being very good to your mom. Glad you shared.

Jennifer

5/6/2015 04:45:20 pm

It took me over 40yrs to divorce my family. While my decision to do this sit quite comfortably with me I do miss not having any family to talk to or interact with. It was the right decision but a tough on that somehow feels very unnatural.

5/7/2015 02:42:44 pm

Good for you, you did it! However long it took. Of course we miss the familiarity of family, it makes total sense. Hope you have created a new family that gets you and supports you, no matter what. You deserve that. Thank you for sharing.

Dale M Shade

5/6/2015 10:29:40 pm

While I was not sexually abused as a child, I definitely was mentally and physically abused. As I grew older, I didn't really know any other way to live a "normal" life except to have drama and trauma in it. After almost being killed twice, I found my way out of that mess through counseling and support. After years of hard work, it definitely paid off. Knowing that my mother was at the root of all of this, I finally had to make the decision to "divorce" her. It has been the best decision I've made for the healing process. Please let all your readers know that there is always light at the end of that tunnel! Thanks for your blog - I know that you've been a gift to a lot of women who have been hurting.

5/7/2015 02:45:15 pm

Awesome to hear. It does pay off, and you did the work. Thank you for sharing that and remind everyone that it does get better, it will. You are welcome Dale, I am always happy to provide support when I can.

Sharon

5/7/2015 07:55:37 am

It's been a year since my family divorced me after confronting them about the abuse and my Mother not believing me . I am mid 40's and never had children because I didn't 't want to put them at risk. I felt so lonely at first but it was for the best because they can't trigger me anymore. I have been 5 months now without suicide attempts and thoughts and I am having counselling to tackle the PTSD head on. Things can only get better!

5/7/2015 02:49:22 pm

Thank you for sharing Sharon. I love your positive attitude, yes you are right, it can and will get better. It is incredibly painful when those closes to us don't believe it. My mom did not believe me either 20 years ago, but she does today. Glad you are getting help and tackling the impact and the PTSD. You got this, I can feel your strength and I am grateful for your share. I believe in you!

Donna

5/7/2015 08:07:55 am

I walked away in 1978 but spent many years trying to rescue them all. My sicko father accepted christ iver and over he pased June last year. Now more victims are coming forth my first cousin whom I hadn't see in 40 plus years all the men in my family did this to their daughters. Thanks for your site back in my day there was nothing or no one to understand or reach out too. I am years passed all my healing and have Thrived in all areas of my Life for years. As a little girl I knew that while all three abusers my mother father and brother that they were not my family. I prayed I was adopted now I have raised my own beautiful family. :)

5/7/2015 02:53:04 pm

Thank you Donna for sharing. Beautiful story. I can feel your thriving heart and that you truly are not burdened by this anymore. That is right, we can find and raise our own family.. I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing here for other readers to know what is possible. Love and Light.

Kim

5/7/2015 09:21:29 am

Thank you for posting. I am a survivor and have had to seperate myself from my mother and sister. They are my main triggers. I do grieve their loss and at times I feel torn, but I have to remember to love myself. Part of that is no longer living their shame. I will no longer wear the titles they have given me of 'pathetic, victim that needs to get over it, it's all your fault, etc. I am replacing them with strong, brave, advocate. It's not always easy, but i do it one step at a time. Even if I'm breaking- one step at a time towards who I am with the strength of everything that builds me up.

5/7/2015 02:56:53 pm

wow, love your writing. Loving yourself is key in the deep work of healing, and giving back the shame that was not yours to carry. That is it, we can only do it, one day at the time and before you know it, it is months and then years at a time that you are strong, brave and advocating for yourself.. building YOU up. and then I have the feeling you are going to be a fierce advocate for there.. Much love to you!

Jenn

5/7/2015 09:48:21 am

What do you do when you want to divorce those around that you know have let you down in the past, but also on the flip side, can't seem to find any positive replacements? I often find myself circling the drain as I call it, and turn to my drug of choice, pills to help numb the pain, and get through another day.

5/7/2015 03:07:51 pm

Great question Jen. You have to be willing to fight for yourself and start with self love and self care. When we start to treat ourselves with love and care, we demonstrated to ourselves and others that we will not tolerate disrespect or we will have to remover ourselves from the situation. There are a few steps in between, finding better way to cope, healthier ways, setting up support system, etc. but getting clear on wanting to change for one self, and recognize what we can do, that others can not do for us, is when we really do start changing.
I hope you continue to search, don't give up, there are people that can help, you deserve it. Let me know if you are searching for more support. Glad you asked.. I believe in you. Sending you lots of love and light.

Nicky

5/7/2015 10:19:21 am

Going through this right now. I've cut all ties with my mother for over 6 months ( thanks to a great counselor) and my being ready to heal. I always had this fantasy, some day my mom would be a "real mom" would acknowledge all the years of sexual abuse her husband forced on me, but, I'm 55 years old now and I've realized it's never going to happen. My final straw was when I started therapy 6 months ago, and my mom became angry and threatened me, that I " better not tell the secret". Pretty much confirmed if I don't take control and walk away, I will always be the " dirty secret" and I refuse to go to my grave with that mentality. So, I didn't acknowledge her birthday this year and I won't be acknowledging Mother's Day. It's getting easier every day, I am actually feeling safe for first time in my life. I'm finally being ME and telling my story and keeping NO more secrets. May we all find our peace.

5/7/2015 03:11:07 pm

Good for you Nicky. Sounds like you have the right support and made the right decision for you. You are not the secret, you are not the family shame. You are so much more and deserve to live free from them and that burden. Sounds like you have taking your power back and focusing on living life authentically YOU! Proud of you. I can feel the free feeling in your words. and yes thank you... May we all find PEACE. Lovely!

Is it Time to Divorce Your Family?

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