Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

How to Overcome Toxic Resistance

2/27/2017

Here’s a good question. Why do we resist the things that are good for us? This happens to everyone, but it’s especially challenging for abuse and trauma survivors.

For example, you know how much I love and believe in the healing benefits of TRE. Yet in the beginning, there was a part of me that resisted it. I’m always amazed when this happens. Why would I resist something so healthy, something that makes my body and heart sing? It makes no sense!

Actually, resistance is just the body’s normal response to change. Any kind of change activates the part of you responsible for keeping you safe. It knows how to create safety for you, and it sees no reason to rock the boat.

Most of the time that’s a good thing. It certainly kept us alive as abused children. But sometimes resistance can be toxic.

Last fall, I was the keynote speaker at an empowerment conference in Oregon. I chose self-compassion as my topic. It’s a major key to healthy change. As I was talking, I suddenly realized everyone in the room had stopped breathing. My body noticed this energy shift first. Then my brain acknowledged it.

“How many of you are holding your breath?” I asked. Most smiled and nodded in agreement. Some even laughed.

This is toxic resistance. Most of us have no problem treating others with compassion. Yet we resist being kind to ourselves.

How do you overcome toxic resistance to healthy change? You’ll notice it first in your body. Something won’t feel “right.” When you acknowledge it, toxic resistance loses its power over your life.

As you can imagine, what happened that day fascinated me. Think about it. My body knew the energy in that room had shifted, and I felt it in my body before my brain processed it. That’s how committed our bodies are to keeping us safe. Wow, right?

Tap into this the next time you feel uncomfortable about making a healthy change in your life. Train that protective part of you to work with you rather than against you on your healing journey. Learning how to overcome toxic resistance is a great place to start!

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Are you struggling with toxic resistance to healthy change in your life? Is it preventing you from moving forward on your healing journey? If so, I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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We Are All Perfectly Imperfect!

2/20/2017

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I’d like to thank all the readers of my new book, “Journey to the Heart,” who have sent messages and emails. I’m thrilled you’re enjoying it so much, and it has helped you move forward on your healing journey. That was my intent!

After reading it, several have asked wonderful questions. Some I have responded to privately. Others I have posted as discussions in my closed Facebook group. But I felt this question should be the subject of a blog post. It’s an important issue for us.

What do I mean when I say we’re all “perfectly imperfect”?

To survive childhood abuse or trauma, we bend ourselves into pretzels, becoming someone we’re not. It’s how we stay safe. Children are incredibly resilient. They’ll instinctively do whatever is necessary to get their needs met.

The “new identity” we create is the story we tell ourselves that keeps us safe and helps us survive. This toxic coping strategy is a trap, but it’s all we’ve got.

Abused children become adults with no idea who we are or what we need. All we know is how to make other people happy, while we pretend to be perfect. Abuse turns us into codependent caretakers. We secretly resent this people-pleasing behavior pattern, but we don’t know how to escape it.

Guess what? You don’t need to pretend to be perfect anymore to stay safe. No one is perfect. You don’t need to spend all your time people-pleasing, caretaking, and bending over backwards to make sure everyone in your life is happy. That’s not your responsibility.

Instead, learn how to be “imperfect.” Embrace your wonderful, beautiful imperfections. This is how you discover your authentic self.

Everyone on earth is perfectly imperfect. We’re all uniquely beautiful individuals. To heal, you must find the courage to show your perfectly imperfect self to the world. Not everyone will accept your perfectly imperfect authentic self. And that’s okay. Life is a journey. People move in and out of our lives, depending on where we are on our path.

Your responsibility is to be authentic, to be the person you were born to be. That’s the only way to find lasting peace, happiness, and joy.

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Are you a people-pleaser? Do you spend all day every day taking care of the needs of others, while ignoring your own needs? I can help you escape this toxic behavior pattern. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in Paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email to my weekly blog post, go to http://www.educate4change.com and register on the homepage or in the popup box.

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You’re Not a Selfish Person

2/12/2017

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Child abuse survivors are not selfish people. In fact, we have a toxic habit of putting our needs last and the needs of everyone else first.

We do this for two reasons. First, not only were we taught to put the needs of others ahead of our own but we quickly discovered making sure our abusers were happy and cared for was a way for these people to leave us alone.

Second, if you had a narcissistic parent, you were constantly punished for being “selfish.” Anytime a child puts his or her basic emotional needs first, a narcissistic parent will accuse that child of being selfish. Why? Because the narcissist’s needs should always come first. No exceptions. This is a toxic form of narcissistic abuse. It teaches the child that he or she has no value or worth.

Over time, like many of you, I lost touch with my individuality. I had no idea what I needed or wanted. I didn’t even know how to ask for it. My self-sacrificing behavior was fueled by the toxic belief that people who put their needs first were selfish. To prove I wasn’t that kind of person, I’d spent my entire life ignoring my needs.

This is what the pain of trauma is all about. Abuse took our identity from us. We no longer remember who we are, and we have no idea what we need. Because of what happened to us, we’re terrified that we aren’t worthy of love or care.

None of this is true. We’re just as worthy of self-care and self-compassion as everyone else. You’re not a selfish person. And you never were.

Let today be the day you put yourself first in a healthy way. Here’s how to start: do what brings you joy. I’m not kidding. It’s that simple.

Go to a coffee shop and enjoy the peace
Window shop
Drive to the park
Go to a movie
Attend a Sunday church service or daily Mass
Join a gym
Take a walk around the block
Call a friend to chat
Meet a friend for coffee or lunch
Read a book
Practice yoga
Meditate
Learn a new language
Buy yourself a small gift
Plant a garden
Play with your pet
Take a relaxing bubble bath
Work a crossword puzzle
Start a new craft project

You don’t need anyone’s permission to do these things. Yes, taking time for yourself will feel uncomfortable at first. I used to worry about what others would think. I felt so guilty when I took care of myself! But then I realized no one was watching. That’s because self-care is normal, healthy behavior. Who knew, right? Not us!

Your sole purpose in life isn’t to exhaust yourself by serving others. The more you practice self-care the less power this toxic belief will hold over you. Every day do something that makes you happy. You’re worth it!

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Is it hard for you to take time for yourself? Do you struggle with the concept of loving self-care? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in Paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email to my weekly blog post, go here: http://www.educate4change.com and register on the homepage or in the popup box.

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The Best Gift You Can Give Your Children

2/6/2017

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Good parenting isn’t easy! As you can imagine, it was really hard for me in the beginning. To be honest, I was terrified. I had no idea what good parenting looked like. I just knew I wanted my kids to have a healthier, happier, safer childhood than mine. But I didn’t know how to make that happen.

So I did the best I could. I wasn’t abusive to them, but I struggled in the emotional areas. I didn’t know how important it was to be present for them. Giving a child your total and complete attention is how you demonstrate a child’s worth. This is the kind of love I had always craved as a child but never received, so I didn’t know how to do this for my kids.

Now I’m making up for lost time. I want my kids to feel heard. I do this by demonstrating full body listening and eye contact, while I lovingly hear every word they say to me.

It’s never too late to start. Begin today. It doesn’t matter how old your kids are now or where they live. We all need parents who are connected to their hearts and not afraid to validate our worth by hearing what we have to say.

This week I told each of my children what I love most about them. They responded by telling me that I’m their role model. What they love most about me is all the love coming out of me. They can actually feel that love energy whenever I’m near. Even their friends talk about it!

That makes my heart sing, because I want my kids to see what it feels like to be a wholehearted, loving, compassionate adult. It’s an honor to be able to demonstrate this for them.

No family is perfect. But we try to understand each other. Kindness is a top priority. No ridiculing or judgment is allowed. Consequently, we live in a peaceful home.

This would have made all the difference to me when I was growing up. You can give the gift of a peaceful home to your children, too. Start today. Your kids will thank you!
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Are you a parent, as well as a survivor of child abuse? Would you like to be able to create a peaceful, loving home for your kids, but you don’t know where to start? I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Overcome Toxic Resistance

We Are All Perfectly Imperfect!

You’re Not a Selfish Person

The Best Gift You Can Give Your Children

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