Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Are You Obsessed With Control?

9/12/2016

If you are, don’t feel bad! All survivors of child abuse have massive control issues. I was no exception. Like you, I grew up in a home that was out of control. I had no power over what was happening or the abuse inflicted upon me. Consequently, I spent many years being a terribly controlling adult.

But it took me a long time to realize this. Child abuse survivors are so disconnected from our emotions that we don’t know we’re control freaks, and we have no idea why we desperately crave control.

I was an extreme case. I would actually complete other people’s sentences for them. I thought that was a wonderful part of my personality. In fact, I had several irritating “talents” like this. Too funny, huh?!

When I began to heal, I realized control is a toxic coping mechanism and the result of the abuse and trauma I had endured. Because I was a powerless child in a chaotic home, my emotional stability became a crazy rollercoaster, which led me to try to control every aspect of my adult life.

The result? I drove everyone around me nuts. Yikes!

Here’s what I finally learned about control. The only thing I have control over is ME. That’s it. I can’t control the past. I can’t control the future. I can’t control other people. My only responsibility is to become a healthy, happy human being. Period.

Today, self-care, self-compassion, and self-love are top priorities to the “flexible” person I’ve become. When I feel the need to control, I know it’s just my wounded inner child panicking (yes, this still happens sometimes). So I put my hand on my heart, remind her I’m here to take care of her, and let her know she’s safe.

Your quality of life is directly linked to your ability to be flexible. That means letting go of the need to control everyone and everything in your life.

To accomplish that, make non-attachment and non-resistance your new goals. Yes, in the process you’ll confront old fears. But don’t worry. You’re safe now. And the new life you’re creating as an adult will be filled with more peace, joy, and happiness than you’ve ever experienced. I guarantee it!
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Are you struggling with control issues? Do your friends and family call you a “control freak”? Are you driving yourself and everyone around you nuts? If so, I can help you learn to become the happy, flexible person you were born to be. Just email me at svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

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3 Comments

Kristina

9/16/2016 05:41:18 am

This post made my day. It keeps me smiling. Although, it is such a sad and heavy, serious thing.
I start to be more aware how others control(ed) me.
How I do control others...this is difficult for me. I guess that I am a control freek in questions "moral behavior" of others. When I pick up that somebody does not have that good intentions, I go inside into a panick attack, my body gets sick. On the outside, I probably have very high morality- expectation, but usually only to people who really are not in my "moral level" (jerks). This lead me not to recognise people with some moral black outs and stay too long around them (like friends who happily search how not to pay taxes, get a job only through friends, lie, bribe at the health care system..)...I feel always very devasted by all those immoral, illegal stuff. This control issue is one of those I deliberately decided to leave from one area I wanted to do: law protection (maybe in a different country). I could have not resigned to control the legal and moral issues of others. I need to make sure that I am safe. I needed to win...when I was fighting (my favorite activity) against some environmental abuse, it made me often sick as I depleted myself (and lost at the end, but those people run out of money and the environment stayed safe, but because of my fight).
But, I also fight and control morally each person...all those friends left (I am happy, actually that I chased them away, only very few stayed....they are safe for me, also on the moral level, they do not do the stuff I cannot stand, I don´t need to control them).
I might also control "the result"...get things done, in the way I want to (good, in a competent way). I learn that not everybody has this speed as me (even though if I had no PTDS, I´d have it, and I would be the go-getter). If things are not done, I get triggered, I am heading into panick attack (I think I am afraid of what bad will happen by being abandonned -the extreme helplessness feeling I need to control). Luckily, I learned that there were places for me when things worked well, I was safe, but there were places (countries, people) where I needed to control and I felt so unsafe, so scared.
I have been opting out from most of the people I experience as morally unsafe, I try to let go of "result"...in order to have my safety, I am clearing these triggers. It is truly so good to see that there are people, place where I get triggered so little...which feels more safe to me.
I guess it has to do with my medical trauma (several in my life), when I was neglected/ignored (for me, lack of morality esp. for a medical doctor) by medical doctors and was traumatised subsequently. I stopped seeing the medical doctors (as I did not find anybody in the area I lived that I would not get the panick attack from as being ignorant towards me, not enough moral, get no results, no tests, no long-term care). It is hard for me, I will have to face the helplessness of my body-disease. However, when I do it, I am less anxious, I have less triggers, I don´t need to control the medical health care in the country where I live so much (when there is no help anyway). I feel more safe from the potential damage and the neglect happening.
It would be such a beautiful life, to move away from this health care system I have my life-long bad memories and I truly received no help, but move away as a healthy person (perhaps the sickness is also in my body from the trauma, from the emotions that are stored and I could heal without any medical doctor).
To me personally, past years, I started to be the health-control freak. I am afraid of any sickness symptom in my body...I am afraid that it will lead me to physical suffering, sickness, and death eventually (as it was the case in the medical trauma). This is the most hardes one to stop control myself, my body, don´t run into panick.

So far, the only thing to help me, is to see my control with laughter...
and somehow detach from others, let them be who they are....and knowing that I might perish without no help, facing the mortality of my body (I started past 20 years). I started to feel more safe with the idea what happens after the death, in the moment of death, but I am still very scared of dying, of body-suffering and I want to control it).
(I cannot control others, as you say, Svava). Learning the self-care of my body helps so much to stay in control ! (the compassion helped me several days ago to move away from a bronchitis, I gave compassion to my lungs, perhaps it helped :-) ).

9/16/2016 07:19:48 am

Thank you a lot for this post, Svava.

Svava

9/19/2016 10:06:18 pm

Thank you for sharing your writing Kristina. Glad you are using compassion and self-care. You are doing great my friend. Blessings <3

Are You Obsessed With Control?

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