Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Giving Your Inner Child the Love & Protection He/She Was Missing

1/16/2018

Abuse took away your identity. It took away your birthright coming into this world needing to feel loved, adored, and nurtured. This sets survivors up for confusion later in life.

I did a small group presentation last year with a group of survivors and when I mentioned this birthright, a young woman in the group started to cry and asked, "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

I could feel her pain. My words had stirred her heart. Her sadness, her aching heart and loneliness. With my hand on my heart, and as present and in my heart as I know how to be, I told her, "unfortunately, they don't know it either."

Humans learn the good and the bad from their caregivers. Kids watch their parents interactions, relationships, and how they are treated by others, especially from childhood. We watch how people take care of themselves. Then we take all this information and translate it into how we fit into this word and the family we grow up in. And for most children growing up, there was something missing. We know it, and because we don't know how to ask for it and no one is talking about it, we assume there is something wrong with us.

The sad part is that children that grow up with basic needs going unmet grow up with this constant nagging feeling that there is something missing but they don't know how to fix it, make it better, or make the hurt go away. We can't because we need to connect and it does not go away until we learn to connect with ourselves and the unmet needs that live inside of us. As we learn to meet those needs we are becoming the parent and the protectors that we needed when we were children.

Here is the thing to remember. Childhood is meant to be a safe place for children to navigate the truth of who they are and what important skills they need to master given the age and development to begin to build self-esteem and a sense of belonging. Most adults today did not get this from their parents. Their parents just did the best they could. Most of them did, I do believe that, but just did not know how to meet the deep needs of their children. This is not something people talked about or even understood.

The good news is that it is not too late. If you are reading this and feeling the nudge to learn how to nurture, accept, and validate your inner child, you can. I am re-playing a webinar on inner child work if you would like to learn more. Here is the (link) I also love to teach inner child work to my clients and am happy to show you if you need some guidance.

It is wonderful to see people slowly put together the pieces and learn the truth of who they are. You are not your hurt. To finally realize their true identity and who they are meant to be. That is when we find fulfillment in our relationships and in our work as we dare to go after our dreams, explore our passions and share our gifts with the world.

Are you ready to learn who you are? I would love to help. If you would like to learn how inner child work can help you, I am offering a free 30 min session to anyone that has not talked to me before and wants to explore how I work. Here is the link to my calendar. Don't wait, book it now!! Can't wait to hear from you.

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Ready to tackle the impact of your trauma? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Be Your Own Hero By Breaking the Silence

12/11/2017

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Last week, Times Magazine revealed that their choice for person of the year for 2017 was the silence breakers, the courageous women that over the last few months broke the silence and disclosed abuse, harassment, and assault from men in very powerful public positions. For so many of my colleagues and survivors, this is not new news but it is finally getting the much needed attention and outrage we need for meaningful change to happen.

I think the decision and timing of this news is exactly what was needed for the #MeToo movement. I wanted to share some thoughts in this blog that I also shared on social media the day of this announcement.

I went back and listened to a short video interview with Tarana Burke the founder of the #MeToo hashtag. Her intention when she started using it a few years back was as a response to sexual violence, to encourage all survivors to find their journey towards healing. To let other survivors know their story matters, they are not alone, and to support one another with empathy and kindness.

No matter how public or private your #MeToo declaration was, your story matters. All victims matter. It is time that we continue with the dialog of how to change the paradigm around the issue of abuse and assault. We need courageous people to support each other to do the right thing. Not just one time but over and over. Be a little relentless. That is what it is going to take.

What does that mean? Tarana shared in her video that what is going on is not just an event, but a movement. Just like the healing journey is not just one session, one time with a trusted friend where you share the abuse you suffered. Healing takes commitment, commitment to ourselves that no matter what happened, we need to focus on our strengths and be gentle with ourselves as we create daily practices of residence and wellness to be able to move forward and restore our body, mind and spirit, for the rest of our lives.

That is the kind of relentless energy we need for this movement. We need to normalize the conversation about abuse and trauma. It is taking place all over this country at alarming rates, but until we feel comfortable talking about it openly and with courage, we aren't going to support the millions of victims in this country to come forward because of the fear that speaking up will welcome retaliation and harm to themselves or their families.

There are many reasons why victims of abuse or sexual assault don't disclose or report their abuse. Most do not because they fear that they will not be believed. Many fear ridicule from friends and family. Some have been threatened and some don't even know that what is happing to them is abuse, especially in the case of children, if no one has educated them about their boundaries, safe touch, and the ability to say "no" to anyone that makes them feel uncomfortable. Parents need to empower children with a healthy dialog about rules, consent, and relationships and teach them that no matter who the person is that they are uncomfortable with, whether teacher, coach, friend, or even family member, you will always believe them.

In 2004, after about 10 year of healing, I began telling my story in public, sharing the impact of growing up in a home where I was physically and sexual abused. I'll never forget that "coming out" period. It was painful and there were times when I thought I’d collapse beneath the overwhelming shame I felt inside. I was terrified of what people would think of me if they knew the truth about the abuse I’d suffered as a little girl. For a long time I felt responsible for the abuse, that somehow it was my fault. I now know it was never my fault.

But through the grace of God, I was given the strength and the willingness to push through my fears. Sometimes I think it's because I'm stubborn But I also knew what was at stake. I had finally realized no one was coming to save me...I had to save myself. I was a mom now and I wanted to heal for my child. I had to learn how to restore my broken heart and wounded soul. And no one could do it for me.

As I told my story, I broke the silence and revealed secrets that weren't my secrets to keep. The shame began to lessen. The more openly I talked about it, the lighter and more hopeful I felt. I had so many people reaching out to me, sharing their story. I finally knew I was not alone.

The worst part about my childhood was not the abuse. It was the fact that I had no one to talk to about it, and no one to ask for help. There was no one to support or validate me. Not one person!

After 12 years of public speaking about the issue of child sexual abuse, this experience serves as the foundation for the work I do now. As an abuse survivor coach and support group facilitator, I can listen to the stories of survivors all day long, because I know how important it is to be heard. I know that sounds almost too simple but for an abuse survivor, it makes all the difference. It gives us hope for a brighter future. I model for them how they should be listened to and treated by any caring adult that they find the courage to share their story with.

So when abuse survivors tell you their story, listen with your heart, let them know you hear them, and acknowledge the truth of the injustice. Let them know they can count on you to listen. Encourage them to do whatever it takes to heal, restore, and live a wholehearted life. Healing is possible and they need to know that. There is hope!

If you are reading this and feeling like you don’t know how to be a part of the movement, where to start, or you are looking for a safe place to tell your story, then I'm here to tell you, I can help.

You need support. We all need support. We are all called to do something we have not done before. It feels uncomfortable because you don’t know if you will offend someone just by standing up for a child and another human being. But you got this. The stakes are high. I have offended a few adults along the way but I have protected countless children by doing so. Find your voice no matter how small in the beginning.

Sexual assault and sexual abuse prevention education works! It is actually empowerment training giving you the tools to change your behavior and start to take action. It is time we respect each person we encounter and lead with kindness, curiosity, and courage. Get the education you need to move out of fear and take action. Taking action is the antidote to fear.

Waking up to this news last week made my day. It really made my year! I think we will look back at this year in our history and realize that though it was a hard year, some big breakthrough occurred because of it. There is always a silver lining… I do believe that.

So to all of you silence breakers, Thank You! We did it! Now let´s use this momentum and let’s keep going.

If you are looking for support, here is a link to a closed Facebook group for peer support for survivors of abuse or trauma.
If you are interested in prevention education, please visit d2l.org

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Want to be a part of the movement? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life or to be a part of a movement. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? Email list subscribers receive an email with a link to my weekly blog post and occasional special offers. If you’d like to subscribe, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Become a Compassionate Parent

10/10/2017

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There are many benefits to learning how to feel your emotions. One is it helps you become a more compassionate, empathetic parent.

The weekend before I flew to Iceland, I pulled my luggage out of our storage room and came across the boxes I’m saving for my girls. These boxes contain all of my daughters’ art, birthday decorations, cards, diaries, etc., from the time they were little girls.

It was a family weekend, so we all decided to go through these mementoes together. It was a sweet experience, but also a sad one when my daughter, Sabrina, found a journal she’d written in elementary school. While reading a few pages out loud, she was flooded with painful memories. She had written this journal during a time when I was so busy with my life that she had felt invisible.

Sabrina was triggered by this painful memory and expressed it. As you can imagine, it was hard for me to hear. But rather than reacting defensively, I sat with her and let her cry it out.

Parenting isn’t easy for survivors of child abuse. When my girls were in elementary school, I hadn’t started my healing journey. I was still trapped in my trauma. Back then, I couldn’t allow them to express their painful feelings of emotional abandonment. But now I can.

This is what compassionate parenting looks like. You can help your children feel and release their painful memories, too. Here are some suggestions:

Don’t react defensively, flinch, or dismiss their pain.
Sit with your children and allow them to feel their emotions and express them.
Allow yourself to feel your children’s painful emotions, too.
Tell your children you feel their pain, hear them, and see them.
Tell your children you know the past hurt them, and you’re sorry.
Tell your children you’ll never shame them for expressing their feelings.
Tell your children it’s okay to express painful feelings about their past.
Listen to your children with all your heart.
Give them your total attention, support, and love.

Like me, I’m sure you wish you could have been a more compassionate parent in the past. But the past is gone, and things have changed. Now you have the opportunity to create new, healthy, happy memories as a family. Today is a great day to start!

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Is compassionate parenting difficult for you? Would you like to learn more about how to do this? If so, I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? Email list subscribers receive an email with a link to my weekly blog post and occasional special offers. If you’d like to subscribe, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How Do I Connect With My Wounded Inner Child?

8/14/2017

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Every time you make a decision to change a toxic behavior pattern, your wounded inner child will appear. It’s what makes healthy change hard for us.

And that’s why inner child work is so important. You can’t recover from child abuse and trauma without doing this deep, messy work.

Your wounded inner child is that very young part of yourself, who was hurt by the abuse and is still in pain. In my case, it was my 6-year old self. She was angry for never being seen, heard, or valued. She believed the only way she could ever be worthy was by overachieving and taking care of everyone else’s needs, while ignoring hers.

Because I could feel her anger, resentment, and pain, I was terrified of her. So I rejected her for decades. Of course, that just added to her painful burden.

Inner child work is the practice of building a loving relationship with your abused inner child and becoming the loving parent that child never had. Easier said than done, right? I mean, how do you do that when you never had a loving parent? Here’s how to start!

Whenever you feel unrest inside you, stop, and listen to it.
Sit with this unrest until you can name it (anxiety, depression, sadness, overwhelm, grief, fear, loneliness, etc.).
Place your hand on your heart, so your wounded inner child can feel you.
Close your eyes and visualize a safe place for your inner child to feel comfortable talking to you.
Ask your inner child what it’s trying to tell you.
Listen to whatever this child says with an open mind, whether you agree with it or not. That’s what a loving parent does.
Cuddle this precious child in your arms and take loving action by letting it know you hear it, see it, acknowledge it, and value it.

Basically, all your inner child wants is to be loved by YOU. That’s it. You do this by making your inner child a top priority, creating a sense of safety for it, and giving it all the love and care it craved but never received.

Few things are more rewarding in life than building a peaceful, loving relationship with your wounded inner child. It’s not an easy process, and it won’t happen overnight. But it’s well worth the effort, because it always leads to major breakthroughs.

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Are you struggling to build a relationship with your wounded inner child? Is healthy change difficult for you? I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!
Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? Email list subscribers receive an email with a link to my weekly blog post and occasional special offers. If you’d like to subscribe, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Do You Know How Courageous You Are?!

4/23/2017

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Abuse and trauma survivors are incredibly strong people. We know our strength is what helped us survive, and it’s what keeps us going now. Yet we know something is missing.

This missing link is courage. We know we’re strong. But we’ve never allowed ourselves to realize that we’re also courageous people. And we always have been.

That’s because courage is risky. The only thing we’ve ever wanted is what we never had as abused children: safety. Risk makes you vulnerable. No thanks, right?

Hey, I can relate. I knew I was a strong person to have survived over a decade of child sexual abuse. But courageous? Me? Nah, no way. I was willing to work hard on my healing journey, but courage felt too risky and vulnerable. Nope, that’s not me.

Somehow we can’t see courage in ourselves. But it’s easy to see it in others. And that’s where you need to start. Think of someone you believe is not only strong but also courageous. Adopt this person as your role model.

Next, think about what makes this person courageous? It might be her fearless personal authenticity or her honesty. Maybe he’s taken a stand against injustice by his actions or words. Maybe she’s simply chosen the road less travelled. What is it about this person that touches your heart and earns your admiration?

Guess what? Whatever it is that makes this person courageous is a quality you also possess. It’s true. When you choose to heal from abuse and trauma, reach out for support, open yourself to others in an online group for survivors, talk about your past, or receive comfort from other survivors, that’s an act of courage.

Allow the revelation of your courageousness to sink in. When you do, you’ll discover courage is actually a source of safety. Now it’s okay to let your guard down a little, ask for more support, love more, have more fun, and feel more gratitude for everything you’ve accomplished. Why? Because now you know you’re safe.

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Is it impossible for you to believe you’re a courageous person? Is courage a difficult concept for you to comprehend? If so, I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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You’re Not a Selfish Person

2/12/2017

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Child abuse survivors are not selfish people. In fact, we have a toxic habit of putting our needs last and the needs of everyone else first.

We do this for two reasons. First, not only were we taught to put the needs of others ahead of our own but we quickly discovered making sure our abusers were happy and cared for was a way for these people to leave us alone.

Second, if you had a narcissistic parent, you were constantly punished for being “selfish.” Anytime a child puts his or her basic emotional needs first, a narcissistic parent will accuse that child of being selfish. Why? Because the narcissist’s needs should always come first. No exceptions. This is a toxic form of narcissistic abuse. It teaches the child that he or she has no value or worth.

Over time, like many of you, I lost touch with my individuality. I had no idea what I needed or wanted. I didn’t even know how to ask for it. My self-sacrificing behavior was fueled by the toxic belief that people who put their needs first were selfish. To prove I wasn’t that kind of person, I’d spent my entire life ignoring my needs.

This is what the pain of trauma is all about. Abuse took our identity from us. We no longer remember who we are, and we have no idea what we need. Because of what happened to us, we’re terrified that we aren’t worthy of love or care.

None of this is true. We’re just as worthy of self-care and self-compassion as everyone else. You’re not a selfish person. And you never were.

Let today be the day you put yourself first in a healthy way. Here’s how to start: do what brings you joy. I’m not kidding. It’s that simple.

Go to a coffee shop and enjoy the peace
Window shop
Drive to the park
Go to a movie
Attend a Sunday church service or daily Mass
Join a gym
Take a walk around the block
Call a friend to chat
Meet a friend for coffee or lunch
Read a book
Practice yoga
Meditate
Learn a new language
Buy yourself a small gift
Plant a garden
Play with your pet
Take a relaxing bubble bath
Work a crossword puzzle
Start a new craft project

You don’t need anyone’s permission to do these things. Yes, taking time for yourself will feel uncomfortable at first. I used to worry about what others would think. I felt so guilty when I took care of myself! But then I realized no one was watching. That’s because self-care is normal, healthy behavior. Who knew, right? Not us!

Your sole purpose in life isn’t to exhaust yourself by serving others. The more you practice self-care the less power this toxic belief will hold over you. Every day do something that makes you happy. You’re worth it!

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Is it hard for you to take time for yourself? Do you struggle with the concept of loving self-care? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in Paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email to my weekly blog post, go here: http://www.educate4change.com and register on the homepage or in the popup box.

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What is “Soft Trauma”?

1/15/2017

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There are two kinds of trauma. Both are devastating to your mind, body, and soul.

The trauma everyone is familiar with is “hard trauma.” That would be a natural disaster, war, or personal injury, like a car accident. This type of trauma is almost always physical.

“Soft trauma” is prolonged physiological or emotional abuse. All forms of abuse fall into this category (child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic relationships, domestic abuse, etc.).

The physical evidence of soft trauma is usually delayed. It can take weeks, months, or years to manifest in physical form. However, the effect of soft trauma on the body is just as devastating as hard trauma. It simply appears in a different form, like chronic pain, mental illness, allergies, cancer, and a host of serious or life-threatening illnesses.

Soft trauma is what you and I struggle with every day. To recover from soft trauma, you must restore peace to your mind, body, soul, and spirit. That’s why I talk so much about self-care, self-love, and self-compassion. Trauma and abuse devastate every part of you. Learning how to love and care for yourself through a daily self-care regime is how you begin the healing process.

We all know firsthand the power of soft trauma. It overwhelms you with its constant slam-dunk impact. You feel hopeless. You feel stuck. You think you have no options. Because you feel totally and completely powerless, you disconnect from your body and heart to survive it.

Healing from trauma forces you to connect again and feel all these emotions on a level that’s excruciatingly painful at times. Yes, healing can get very dark and messy.

But it was in this painful darkness where I found myself again. And you will, too. In the darkness you find your power, your strengths, and your authentic self. As you move through the darkness you’ll eventually find your heart, and that’s when you begin to fall in love with yourself.

Trauma may have knocked you down. But it can’t keep you down once you start your healing journey. Continue moving forward. The darkness won’t last forever. And the Light is more glorious than you could have ever imagined. You’re closer to it than you think!

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Are you struggling with soft trauma, and you can’t seem to move forward anymore? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Make Peace with Your Emotions

1/8/2017

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You can’t heal from abuse or trauma without learning how to feel your emotions. For someone who has never experienced abuse, what I just said must sound weird. Doesn’t everyone know how to feel their feelings? No, they don’t. Not us.

This is especially true for child abuse survivors. We grew up unprotected, watching violence, listening to violence, and experiencing violence. The only way to survive this type of toxic environment was to shut down any awareness of the raging emotions inside us. It wasn’t safe to express our emotions. It wasn’t safe to talk about our emotions. It wasn’t safe.

When I began my healing journey, I had no idea how deeply I had suppressed all my emotions. I was completely unaware of the repressed sadness, grief, outrage, and anger festering inside me.

As my awareness grew, I could see how shame had crippled almost every area of my life. For example, I’ll never forget the time I was arguing with my husband. At one point I was no longer making sense. All I cared about was being right. Suddenly, I realized this was shame rearing its ugly head. I stopped arguing and told my husband he was right. And he was.

Practice feeling your emotions by becoming aware of your body. That’s the best place to start.

Scan your body. Do you feel discomfort, tightness, or stress anywhere? Where is it in your body? Focus on the emotion in that area until you can name it. Then feel it.

Is this emotion a response to something that just happened? Or is it a response to a situation from the past? Emotions from the past are stored as trapped energy in the body. They need to be acknowledged and released by gently allowing them to move through you. Let them go.

Make peace with your emotions. Practice finding, feeling, and releasing them in a healthy way. Soon you’ll discover a wonderful truth: your emotions are your friends.
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Is it difficult for you to feel all of your emotions? Is the thought of doing this just too overwhelming to consider? If so, I can help! Follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life.

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Giving Your Inner Child the Love & Protection He/She Was Missing

Be Your Own Hero By Breaking the Silence

How to Become a Compassionate Parent

How Do I Connect With My Wounded Inner Child?

Do You Know How Courageous You Are?!

You’re Not a Selfish Person

What is “Soft Trauma”?

How to Make Peace with Your Emotions

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