Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

What Does A Healthy Love Relationship Look Like?

11/21/2016

Lately, my husband and I have been discussing peace and what it feels like to be at peace.

This is a major topic for us. Peace is something we struggled with in the past. Fortunately, we’ve come a long way since then. Now I’m grateful to be able to talk like this with a man who loves me, thinks I’m beautiful, and tells me how much peace and joy I bring into his life.

I think that’s everyone’s deepest desire in a marriage. We all want to be seen, heard, understood, and valued by our spouse.

I have to say I’m in awe of this place we’ve come to in our love relationship. It wasn’t always this way. We used to wound each other a lot. We were childish and said hurtful things. Our marriage was filled with drama, crisis, judgement, and emotional abuse. As you can imagine, we were both miserable.

But we learned. We held each other accountable and tried to do it with kindness. To accomplish this, we had to take risks. We had to become vulnerable, which is really scary for trauma and abuse survivors.

Even so, our marriage will always be a work-in-progress. There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. We both continue to grow and learn. As a result, we’ve become allies in our quest to be the very best version of ourselves we can be.

This is what a healthy love relationship looks like, and I feel blessed we can model this for our children. It has brought a tremendous sense of peace into our family and home. We deserve that. And our kids deserve parents who are willing to take responsibility for their lives.

But in order to do that, we had to reach out and seek help. We had to learn how to communicate in a positive way. We had to give each other the benefit of the doubt. We couldn’t automatically assume the worst. Instead, we had to ask for an explanation, allow for mistakes, and lovingly accept apologies.

This is how you move forward to build a love relationship that works for your family, rather than against it. Not easy, but totally worth it!
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Are you struggling to communicate in your marriage? Do you feel like you and your spouse are on competing teams rather than the same team? If so, I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your marriage. Reserve your spot NOW!

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Is Your Inner Critic Terrorizing You?

10/30/2016

4 Comments

Survivors of child abuse grow up talking to themselves in the same harsh, critical manner in which they were spoken to as children. When I grew up, I realized what was going on, and I felt really stupid for thinking this way. How could I do such a terrible thing to myself, right? Yikes!

But, like most abuse survivors, I couldn’t stop doing it. Over time, it developed into a painful source of shame and self-hatred.

Years later, I learned how to meditate. I began to use meditation to quiet my mind, so I could observe the horrible way I talked to myself. At first, I was shocked at the endless stream of abusive thoughts flowing through my mind. Harsh judgements, relentless criticism, vile self-loathing, blatant hate, you name it.

In order to silence this inner critic, I not only had to become aware of these thoughts but I also had to feel each one. This helped me make contact with the sad, helpless little girl inside me. She had been traumatized by the abuse from the past, and now she was being viciously attacked by me. Ouch!

The next step was to realize all these sabotaging thoughts were lies. Our abusers were lying when they said these horrid things to us in the past. Now we’re lying to ourselves every time we repeat them.

Slowly, I replaced each lie with the truth: I’m a good person, I’m caring, I’m kind, I’m loving and lovable, I’m compassionate, I’m smart, I’m courageous, I’m sane!

You can do this, too. Turn these truths into affirmations and say them all day long. Gradually, you’ll begin to believe them. When that happens, everything in your life will start to change in a positive way.

Remember, if you can’t seem to love yourself, you’re still being manipulated by those old, sabotaging thoughts. Use mindfulness to silence your inner critic. It worked for me, and it’ll work for you.

As a child, you were powerless. But you’re not a child anymore. Now you hold all the power. Use it. Make today the day you grab your freedom and NEVER let go!!

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Are you tired of being terrorized by your inner critic? I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life NOW!

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What To Do If You Feel Unlovable

10/16/2016

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It's impossible to love others if you can't love yourself fully and completely. That's just how love works. I mean, you can't give away what you don't have, right?

If you struggle with being loving to yourself, that simply means you don't know what real love looks like, or how it's supposed to feel. Many of us grew up this way because we were abused as children. All we saw was a highly toxic, distorted form of "love," which wasn't real love at all.

If that sounds like your childhood, I know how you feel. Expressing love was so hard for me, it was infuriating! But if I can learn how to do it, so can you. Learning how to truly love is the most important gift you can give to yourself and the world.

Begin by applying self-compassion. What do I mean by that? Basically, self-compassion is the courage to connect completely with the parts of yourself you don’t like, or you’ve never wanted to acknowledge. Those parts you’re so ashamed of that you’ve always kept them hidden.

One by one, I had to face these parts of myself I’d rejected. Those were the parts I’d held responsible for all the bad things that had happened to me. They were the parts I thought deserved the abuse.

I made friends with them, saw them through the eyes of God, and finally brought them back into my core self. Applying self-compassion and learning how to love these hidden parts taught me what real, unconditional love felt like. It showed me the difference between healthy love and toxic love.

When I could finally love and accept every part of myself, an amazing thing happened. I fell in love with who I am, and the person I’ve become. I no longer need to hide any part of myself. No part of me is bad. No part of me is shameful. No part of me deserves to be abused.

Through this process I discovered I’m a kind, compassionate, caring, loving, supportive, silly (yes, I am!!) human being. I’m a wonderful work-in-progress. Still learning, still growing, but loving every step and the unique individual I’m becoming.

Who are you? Apply self-compassion to those parts of yourself you’ve always kept hidden, and let’s find out!
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Do you feel unlovable today? Are you struggling to love the parts of yourself you’ve always kept hidden from the world? Don’t worry. I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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What Do You Need to Hear the Most?

10/2/2016

15 Comments

I don’t know about you, but after struggling for years with the devastating effects of abuse and trauma, this is what I needed to hear the most. And I needed to hear it over and over again until I believed it:

You can heal.
You can restore.

How about you? What do you need to hear the most?

It’s sad how desperately we struggle with the emotional pain caused by abuse. In fact, the emotional and psychological abuse from these people, whom I loved and trusted, did more damage to me than the physical abuse.

But I found a way to heal and restore, and so can you. It begins with surrounding yourself with people you trust. People who value you and your truth.

In the beginning, I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know who to trust, or what trust looked like. I kept thinking if I changed the abusive people around me they would eventually see my worth and apologize for what they had done to me. Then they would hold me, support me, and encourage me.

Of course, this never happened. Abusive people don’t suddenly wake up one day and see your value. It doesn’t work that way.

Instead, I had to do something that’s really hard for abuse survivors. I had to cut all the toxic people out of my life. Yikes! But it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your healing.

Toxic people may never change. It’s not your responsibility to heal them. And you can’t heal yourself when surrounded by toxic people. They’re incapable of supporting you or telling you the things you need to hear.

Your only responsibility is to do what’s healthy for YOU. That means surrounding yourself with good people who validate your worth, understand you, and support your healing journey. They’re the only ones who can cheer you on and say the things you need to hear the most, over and over again. Best of all, they mean those things. They truly care.

That’s how I healed myself. I didn’t need fixing, and neither do you. You just need validation and acceptance. Cut all the toxic people out of your life. Surround yourself with good, caring, supportive people. Then you can heal yourself.

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Are you struggling with how to cut toxic people out of your life? Don’t allow them to cause more emotional pain! I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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What Can You Do About Toxic Relationships?

9/18/2016

5 Comments

Attachment is a tricky concept for the survivors of child abuse. There are three kinds of attachment: healthy attachment, toxic attachment, and non-attachment. All can be very confusing for us!

Connection is a basic emotional need. We connect through healthy attachments. For example, if you grew up in a loving, supportive family, you were respected for your unique individuality. This taught you to form healthy attachments (relationships) with others when you became an adult.

But we didn’t have that. We grew up in toxic, dysfunctional, abusive families, where we were punished or hurt for our individuality. This trained us to put up with abuse and to deny our individuality to satisfy others. It taught us to form toxic attachments as adults.

Yikes!!

Part of the healing journey is learning how to form healthy attachments, a skill we were never taught as children. The first step is to accept the reality of your current relationships. Do these people treat you poorly? Do you hope they’ll see the light one day and decide to be nicer to you, to recognize your value and worth, to celebrate your individuality, and to be more loving to you? If so, this is a toxic attachment.

The second step is to pull back from all the toxic attachments in your life. You must deal with your inner child before you can set healthier ground rules with toxic people. Take the time to gently help your inner child understand you’re not here to parent or protect them.

The third step is to practice non-attachment with toxic people. Set firm, healthy boundaries with no emotional attachment to how they choose to react or what they do.

You can’t change other people. That’s not your responsibility. Your job is to become the awesome individual you were born to be. Some of the people you’re attached to right now will value that.

Others won’t. Toxic attachments hinder your healing journey. Sometimes the best course of action is to leave these relationships. Don’t feel bad about that. We all have to do it eventually.

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Are you struggling with toxic relationships? I can help. Just send me an email to svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Who Am I?

9/2/2016

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“If I’m not depressed, anxious, lonely, grieving, angry, frustrated, perfect, or taking care of someone else, who am I?”

I love it when my clients progress far enough on their healing journey to ask this question!

As you begin to feel better on the inside, your outside world will change. For example, you’re more mindful of how you feel in different situations and how people relate to you. Suddenly, this is the question you’re asking yourself. For the first time in your life you don’t know who you are, and that’s a very good sign!

Healing will change the dynamic of all your relationships. There will be those who applaud the progress you’re making on your healing journey. Others will feel threatened by it and attack.

Those are the people who were invested in your pain, because they benefited from it in some way. They remind you subconsciously of the emotional abusers from your past. The wounded soul inside you attracted these people into your life. It wanted them to love and understand you. It wanted them to make it all better.

This is how your traumatized subconscious is attempting to write a happy ending to the past. Unfortunately, it never works. Most emotional abusers have no desire to change.

Yet, these people are a gift and a blessing. It’s true! They come into your life for a certain amount of time to show you what you need to heal in yourself. Then they give you plenty of challenging opportunities to practice setting emotional boundaries, speaking your truth, and asking for what you need. They may not be in your life forever. But they always appear at the right time.

How can you tell you’re living your truth? When you’re the same person with everyone. No more people-pleasing. No more codependent behavior. No more masks to wear. There’s no need for these crutches. Your heart is free. You’ve reached the point where you know who you are, and you’re incredibly proud of it. Congratulations!
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Are you having trouble figuring out who you are becoming? Are you still dealing with some toxic relationships in your life? If so, I can help you work through this. Just email me at svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Discover Your Inner Superpower!

7/9/2016

10 Comments

Child sexual abuse isn’t about sex. It’s about power. Because of this, survivors of child abuse often struggle with issues of personal power.

You were hurt by someone who had authority over you at a time when you were so young you didn’t have enough power to stop the abuse. You quickly learned your well-being was dependent upon not speaking up. Child abuse forced you to give up your power, voice, and safety.

This is why many survivors end up in abusive relationships. Even as adults, they don’t realize they can speak up for themselves, set healthy boundaries, and protect themselves from abusers. Instead, they continue to suffer in silence.

Yet you do have power. Lots of it! To connect with that power, change the false inner belief that you’re powerless.

But what is your power? It’s the ability to connect with any healthy, nourishing thing that makes you feel good about yourself. The more you connect with these things, the more power you’ll rediscover within yourself.

However, let me warn you. Reconnecting with your power will upset the dynamic of your relationships. No doubt about it. Some of your family and friends will be thrilled for you. Others will be horrified.

Don’t worry. This happens to everyone. Yes, I lost a few friends along the way. I discovered the ones who stuck with me and supported me were the ones who truly loved and valued me. The others only liked me if I bent over backwards to please them or take care of them. Good riddance, right?

Today, all my relationships are healthy ones. I have the power to take care of myself, to speak up when I need to protect a boundary, or to ask for help.

You have this same power inside you. Explore the truth of who you are, what makes you happy, what brings you joy, and what gives you peace. Only when you do these things for yourself will you reconnect with your inner personal power.

Practice this kind of self-care and self-love every day. Soon you’ll realize the power inside you isn’t just an average power. It’s a superpower. And it’s all YOURS!

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Are you struggling with issues of personal power? If so, I can help you reconnect with the amazing, superpower inside you. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

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Why It’s Important to Set Emotional Boundaries

7/3/2016

6 Comments

We all know we need firm emotional boundaries with the people in our lives. But we’re survivors of child sexual abuse. We were never taught how to create healthy emotional boundaries.

Instead, we grew up to be adults with no firm boundaries in place, making it too easy for abusive people to hurt us. And they have.

But that’s about to change. Today, I’m going to tell you how to set healthy emotional boundaries and how to defend them.

Let’s start with what’s true about you. This is your truth: You are a precious spirit of Divine Love, who deserves to be treated with love and respect. No exceptions.

Your truth defines your emotional boundaries. Unfortunately, abusers have extremely low self-esteem and enjoy violating emotional boundaries. Here’s how they do it. This is what emotional abuse looks like:

Challenging: Someone who says “No” to or argues with everything you say.
Interrupting: Someone who constantly interrupts everything you say by changing the subject.
Gaslighting: Someone who twists reality. The abuser denies his/her actions, hurtful words, promises, etc. The goal is to make you doubt your sanity.
Belittling: Someone who criticizes or makes fun of everything about you (how you look, dress, talk, your decisions, your intelligence, etc.).

The emotional abusers in your life may be family, friends, coworkers, or your spouse. Don’t allow these people to violate your emotional boundaries. Remember, your truth defines your boundaries. Your boundaries say you deserve to be treated with love and respect. No exceptions.

Once you set emotional boundaries, you’ll have to defend them. That’s a must. To do this, use the abuser’s favorite word: No. When an emotional boundary is crossed, calmly say: “No, I don’t agree with that” or “No, that’s not true about me” or “No, that’s not what I think.”

Then walk away. Cut all emotional abusers out of your life. You don’t need them. If some are family members, limit your time with them.

Be patient with yourself. It can take up to six months to feel comfortable defending your emotional boundaries. But practice makes perfect. And it will get easier. I promise!
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Do you need to set emotional boundaries in your life, but you don’t know where to start? If so, don’t worry. I can help you with that. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

5/30/2016

2 Comments

Last week, I not only talked about how to love yourself but also how to love others. Love and trust go hand in hand, especially for survivors of child sexual abuse.

Trust is all about recognizing and paying attention to your inner warning system: red flags. In order to survive your abusive past you had to disconnect from the truth. You didn’t feel safe. You didn’t trust the adults around you. This was your truth. But, even though you were up to your eyeballs in red flags, you had to ignore them to survive that abusive situation. Eventually, this became one of your toxic coping skills.

However, now that you’re an adult, it’s time to “reactivate” your internal warning system. Red flags are there for your protection. Yes, it’s important to learn how to truly love yourself and others. But that doesn’t mean everyone you meet is safe and worthy of your trust.

How do you learn to pay attention again? What can you do if you’ve ignored your red flags for so long you don’t notice them?

Don’t worry. You may not notice all your red flags, but you do notice some. Unfortunately, you’re in the toxic habit of reasoning them away. When a red flag pops up you say, “Oh, I just imagined that” or “Oh, he/she isn’t THAT scary” or “I’m not happy about how he just hurt me, but he probably won’t do it again.”

No, you didn’t just imagine that. Yes, he/she is that scary. Yes, he probably will hurt you again. Stop ignoring those warnings. The minute a red flag appears over someone’s behavior, pay careful attention to it. Your internal warning system is built on discernment (noticing red flags) and setting firm, healthy boundaries with the people in your life.

Boundaries define the difference between your responsibilities as an adult and other people’s responsibilities as adults. Everyone is supposed to do their part. If someone crosses one of your boundaries or pressures you to cross a boundary, that’s a red flag.

You can learn this. It just takes time. A good place to start is in an abuse survivor group, where you can practice reactivating your internal warning system. Or if you have questions about red flags or setting healthy boundaries, let me know. I’m here for you. Always!
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Are you struggling with setting boundaries or noticing “red flags”? I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Make Your Negative Emotions Your Friends

1/23/2016

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How do you deal with your negative emotions? Do you avoid them, or do you appreciate the insight they provide?

For many years I avoided my negative emotions. They terrified me. I felt like they were so intense I would never understand them or express them safely.

I was wrong. Now my negative emotions have become my friends. When I struggle with them, I know that’s a sign I need to tweak some aspect of my life that no longer nourishes me.

You can do that, too. Let’s say a conversation with a co-worker suddenly triggers a feeling of uneasiness. Rather than ignore it like you usually do, concentrate on it. What does it feel like?

Maybe it feels like sadness, because it reminds you of a similar conversation with someone else a few months ago. Concentrate on that conversation. When you do, you’ll realize you weren’t feeling sad. You were angry. Why?

Think about it. After a while, you’ll see it wasn’t anger you were feeling at that time. It was fear. You felt threatened in some way.

So the uneasiness you felt today was actually fear. Something your co-worker said made you feel threatened. Now you can take action. Maybe you need to limit your exposure to this co-worker. Maybe the subject of your conversation is what made you feel threatened, and you need to address that. Maybe you need to strengthen your personal boundaries.

See how that works? Negative emotions are your GPS. Don’t ignore them. Friend them and allow them to guide you toward the healthy, happy, nourishing life you’ve always wanted. That’s their true purpose!

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Are you stuck on your healing journey? Do you need help friending your negative emotions? If so, I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Forward>>

What Does A Healthy Love Relationship Look Like?

Is Your Inner Critic Terrorizing You?

What To Do If You Feel Unlovable

What Do You Need to Hear the Most?

What Can You Do About Toxic Relationships?

Who Am I?

Discover Your Inner Superpower!

Why It’s Important to Set Emotional Boundaries

Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

Make Your Negative Emotions Your Friends

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