Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

The Messy Middle Part of Your Healing Journey

3/5/2018

Going through the hard part of healing, the messy middle, is demonstrated in what we see in nature as the winter turning to spring. At first, it looks muddy, gray, or lifeless. The frost, the layers of snow, the piles of dead leafs, the smell of decay and dirt is not always pleasant. You may even find yourself wading through the puddles of muddy water, muddy paths on your favorite hike, and slippery river banks as the water is running into the rivers and the river water is all cloudy and gray.

How can you take solace in watching nature this season while you perhaps are going through your deep healing or the messy middle?

We have learned to trust the process and the season of change in nature, haven't we? We know what happens and we know why.

The same is happening on your healing journey. You have been courageously digging deep, gaining awareness that gave you clarity of what issues you are addressing or healing. You have planted a seed of new possibility for yourself. Whether it is your thinking or feeling that you are working to shift and change, if it is a deep core belief, a personal truth, or a boundary that you are establishing with yourself or others, the process is always the same and it takes time.

After a dark, cold winder, we go into a soggy, messy spring that eventually leads to longer days, greener pastures, and blooming trees and flowers. The cycle is the same, every time.

To support yourself through this process of healing, in times when you have forgotten that you are going through a cycle of change and that things do get better, make sure you have good support.Stay close and connected to others that are going through the same process, that can encourage you when things get hard. Don't go through healing alone. It is harder and more painful to do it alone.

It takes courage to choose healing. Most of that courage is going to be needed to trust yourself, trust the process, to stay out of the way of what your body, mind, and spirit can and will do to heal itself. Because, just like in nature, a season of change is always right around the corner for you. The night is always darkest just before the dawn!

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Going through the messy middle? Feel stuck or alone? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($125). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. You deserve it! Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Creating a Deeper Connection With Yourself By Facing Your Feelings

2/5/2018

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Do you hide behind perfectionism or by micromanaging everything and everyone?

I understand because I used to do that too. When I started my healing journey and started to understand how my shame and low self esteem kept me running in circles trying to hide all the ways I felt imperfect, I was flooded by sadness.

For most of my life, I had spent so much energy keeping the feelings at bay by working myself into the ground trying to be perfect, or just good enough it seemed. This negative energy kept feeding on itself, that no matter how hard I worked and how much better I tried to perform, it never felt good enough.

This fear of being found out can also get in the way of us having close meaningful relationships. You'll waste so much time and energy in relationships always performing a task, trying to be good enough/helpful enough, or hoping for some shred of validation from others that your life looks okay.

This is truly a vicious cycle that feeds your anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, and distrust towards yourself and others, that in turn you try to protect yourself from, by blaming, judging, care-taking, withdrawing, or explaining. Then in turn, this protective behavior creates problems in your relationships, makes you feel exhausted and you're stuck, not knowing how to make a change or to stop this cycle.

So how do you stop this cycle?

The first step is to becoming aware if it. After that, there are some steps you can take:

1. Whenever you feel anything other than peace or joy in your body, get curious.

2. Put your hand on your heart and take a few deep breaths to locate the feeling.

3. Ask this feeling what it is you're doing/saying to yourself that makes you feel this way.

4. Listen to your body. Your body is incredibly wise and is on your side.

5. Validate your body/feelings. "I hear you, I see you, I feel you. Thank you for telling me the truth."

6. Take loving action. Give yourself the grace of time to work on this tension/feeling/fear in your body. Commit to checking in regularly.

These simple steps can make such a big difference over time. You are demonstrating value and your worth by starting to listen to your body and creating a deeper connection with yourself through self-compassion.

The truth is no one can define your worth but you. The truth is you are inherently valuable and worthy of love. You are a good, compassionate human being capable of caring, empathy, and joy.

When we start to recognize and embrace this simple truth, we let go of needing other's approval because in your heart of hearts you know who you are, what you are, how you serve, and you know why!

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Ready to start to feel your feelings? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Why Having Your Feelings is Necessary for Healing

1/22/2018

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There is always a theme in my work with my clients. Lately, we have been talking a bit about feeling our feelings.

How do you feel about having your feelings? Does the thought of it make you feel uneasy, even scared? You are not alone.

For most survivors of child abuse, the thought of expressing or allowing ourselves to feel what we have been hiding for so long is terrifying. Victims of abuse saw all kinds of violence and abuse take place around them and they knew instinctively that it was not safe to feel any of it, so victims shut it down and push it away.

It was not safe to talk about or to feel. Period. When children don't have the safety they need to talk about what happened, they turn it onto themselves. The repressed anger and fear turns into shame that feeds the part of you that feels responsible for what happened and that you caused it to happen.

And though the repression might have kept you safe at the time, it is now the thing that is preventing your healing. In order to heal from our childhood, we have to learn to feel our feelings. There is just no way around it. Shame can hold survivors hostage for a long time. It is also the part of you that will come up to stop you when you feel ready to make some changes in your life, talk about what happened, and perhaps learn how to feel your feelings.

So where do we start? We start with learning where we have stored the feelings and the energy that we felt along with them. It is in our bodies. With a safe person, you learn to scan your body for where you are holding this feeling. Once you find it, you can gently let it know you are here to acknowledge the feeling, helping it to be seen and heard. It may be scared but it does want to be seen by you. Take as long as you need to sit with this feeling. Let the feeling and your body know that you are not going to rush it and no matter what the feeling is, it is not wrong or bad for feeling that.

I invite my clients to put a hand on their hearts to support their body and their heart and feel the support for themselves. If that feels like too much, just talk gently in a soft voice to your feeling, let it feel your presence and kindness. Then as you feel it, intentionally let it go in a way that feels meaningful to you. Imagine driving it out through your feet into the earth. Or perhaps sending it away with the wind, giving it to God, writing it on piece of paper, and burning it in the fire.

There are so many ways we can explore feeling and honoring our feelings. It is important. It is your truth. And the more you say your truth, the more it sets you free.

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Ready to tackle the impact of your trauma? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Giving Your Inner Child the Love & Protection He/She Was Missing

1/16/2018

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Abuse took away your identity. It took away your birthright coming into this world needing to feel loved, adored, and nurtured. This sets survivors up for confusion later in life.

I did a small group presentation last year with a group of survivors and when I mentioned this birthright, a young woman in the group started to cry and asked, "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

I could feel her pain. My words had stirred her heart. Her sadness, her aching heart and loneliness. With my hand on my heart, and as present and in my heart as I know how to be, I told her, "unfortunately, they don't know it either."

Humans learn the good and the bad from their caregivers. Kids watch their parents interactions, relationships, and how they are treated by others, especially from childhood. We watch how people take care of themselves. Then we take all this information and translate it into how we fit into this word and the family we grow up in. And for most children growing up, there was something missing. We know it, and because we don't know how to ask for it and no one is talking about it, we assume there is something wrong with us.

The sad part is that children that grow up with basic needs going unmet grow up with this constant nagging feeling that there is something missing but they don't know how to fix it, make it better, or make the hurt go away. We can't because we need to connect and it does not go away until we learn to connect with ourselves and the unmet needs that live inside of us. As we learn to meet those needs we are becoming the parent and the protectors that we needed when we were children.

Here is the thing to remember. Childhood is meant to be a safe place for children to navigate the truth of who they are and what important skills they need to master given the age and development to begin to build self-esteem and a sense of belonging. Most adults today did not get this from their parents. Their parents just did the best they could. Most of them did, I do believe that, but just did not know how to meet the deep needs of their children. This is not something people talked about or even understood.

The good news is that it is not too late. If you are reading this and feeling the nudge to learn how to nurture, accept, and validate your inner child, you can. I am re-playing a webinar on inner child work if you would like to learn more. Here is the (link) I also love to teach inner child work to my clients and am happy to show you if you need some guidance.

It is wonderful to see people slowly put together the pieces and learn the truth of who they are. You are not your hurt. To finally realize their true identity and who they are meant to be. That is when we find fulfillment in our relationships and in our work as we dare to go after our dreams, explore our passions and share our gifts with the world.

Are you ready to learn who you are? I would love to help. If you would like to learn how inner child work can help you, I am offering a free 30 min session to anyone that has not talked to me before and wants to explore how I work. Here is the link to my calendar. Don't wait, book it now!! Can't wait to hear from you.

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Ready to tackle the impact of your trauma? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Heal From Abuse by Validating Your Hurt Inner Child

12/18/2017

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Do you get hurt a lot in life? Do people just seem to let you down constantly or it feels like they are intentionally hurting you? Does it feel like a reoccurring theme in your life? It used to be for me too.

The reason why you, as an adult, always feel hurt by others is not necessarily because those other adults actually are hurting you. It is because your inner child is hurting and is seeking that validation all the time, in good ways and bad. The part of you that needs your validation is your hurt and your hurt is being fed by your inner child.

You were just a child and might have even depended on the person that hurt you. This betrayal sets you up for expecting the worst from those that are closest to you. And therefore we often choose never to risk letting anyone in, in the first place... since you believe it is just a matter of time before the betray you.

I did not find a way to break my silence and get the help I needed until I was in my twenties. I had struggled with isolation and depression because it felt very risky to open up to people, to let them in. I was very social but I did not know how to connect on a deep, meaningful level. I didn't understand it then, but what I was hiding was my shame. When we feel that we are bad or shameful, we live our life on guard, always defensive and expecting the worst.

The hard part is for us to become aware of how present this core but false belief is in your life. I would like to invite you to consider that deep inside there is a hurt little child that is asking for your help, that needs your help. And I remember in the beginning, the idea of connecting with my little girl was scary. The feelings and the hurt were big and felt too big for me to handle at first. The sadness, the anger, the loneliness, feeling so unlovable. Yikes, I can still remember how hard those feelings felt.

Here is the good news. The feelings are big but not as big as you think. They only feel big because that inner child is little, but you are not, not anymore.

But this inner child is the source of most of your pain, anxiety, and depression. It is the part of you that desperately needs you to learn to know and feel your feelings in a healthy way and let that sad little child feel the feelings while you lovingly listen, seeing and feeling everything he/she needs to let go of the hurt.

When I learned to hold, validate, and love my little girl, it was as if someone had put me into a different world. It did take time but slowly it felt like people were more loving towards me and I had an easier time setting boundaries and saying no. When I connected with this precious part of myself, I wanted to protect her, love her, stay healthy for her, and help her express the truth that she had been denied for so long.

So whether this is your first visit to my blog or the twentieth, I hope this empowers you to dig deeper and start to connect with your wounded little self. That is the part of you that holds your light and all of your many the gifts to the world. It is worth exploring what gifts he/she can bring to your life if you let him/her.

I would love to hear how you are doing with your emotions and what feeling you find the hardest to express. If you are not sure how to do that or where to start, I am doing a webinar this week that I know will help you get started on learning about inner child work and learning how to love yourself after abuse.

Here is the link to register for the webinar.

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Want to be learn more about your inner child or how to feel your feelings in a safe way? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

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The Messy Middle Part of Your Healing Journey

Creating a Deeper Connection With Yourself By Facing Your Feelings

Why Having Your Feelings is Necessary for Healing

Giving Your Inner Child the Love & Protection He/She Was Missing

Heal From Abuse by Validating Your Hurt Inner Child

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