Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Heal From Abuse by Validating Your Hurt Inner Child

12/18/2017

Do you get hurt a lot in life? Do people just seem to let you down constantly or it feels like they are intentionally hurting you? Does it feel like a reoccurring theme in your life? It used to be for me too.

The reason why you, as an adult, always feel hurt by others is not necessarily because those other adults actually are hurting you. It is because your inner child is hurting and is seeking that validation all the time, in good ways and bad. The part of you that needs your validation is your hurt and your hurt is being fed by your inner child.

You were just a child and might have even depended on the person that hurt you. This betrayal sets you up for expecting the worst from those that are closest to you. And therefore we often choose never to risk letting anyone in, in the first place... since you believe it is just a matter of time before the betray you.

I did not find a way to break my silence and get the help I needed until I was in my twenties. I had struggled with isolation and depression because it felt very risky to open up to people, to let them in. I was very social but I did not know how to connect on a deep, meaningful level. I didn't understand it then, but what I was hiding was my shame. When we feel that we are bad or shameful, we live our life on guard, always defensive and expecting the worst.

The hard part is for us to become aware of how present this core but false belief is in your life. I would like to invite you to consider that deep inside there is a hurt little child that is asking for your help, that needs your help. And I remember in the beginning, the idea of connecting with my little girl was scary. The feelings and the hurt were big and felt too big for me to handle at first. The sadness, the anger, the loneliness, feeling so unlovable. Yikes, I can still remember how hard those feelings felt.

Here is the good news. The feelings are big but not as big as you think. They only feel big because that inner child is little, but you are not, not anymore.

But this inner child is the source of most of your pain, anxiety, and depression. It is the part of you that desperately needs you to learn to know and feel your feelings in a healthy way and let that sad little child feel the feelings while you lovingly listen, seeing and feeling everything he/she needs to let go of the hurt.

When I learned to hold, validate, and love my little girl, it was as if someone had put me into a different world. It did take time but slowly it felt like people were more loving towards me and I had an easier time setting boundaries and saying no. When I connected with this precious part of myself, I wanted to protect her, love her, stay healthy for her, and help her express the truth that she had been denied for so long.

So whether this is your first visit to my blog or the twentieth, I hope this empowers you to dig deeper and start to connect with your wounded little self. That is the part of you that holds your light and all of your many the gifts to the world. It is worth exploring what gifts he/she can bring to your life if you let him/her.

I would love to hear how you are doing with your emotions and what feeling you find the hardest to express. If you are not sure how to do that or where to start, I am doing a webinar this week that I know will help you get started on learning about inner child work and learning how to love yourself after abuse.

Here is the link to register for the webinar.

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Want to be learn more about your inner child or how to feel your feelings in a safe way? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

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What is “Soft Trauma”?

1/15/2017

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There are two kinds of trauma. Both are devastating to your mind, body, and soul.

The trauma everyone is familiar with is “hard trauma.” That would be a natural disaster, war, or personal injury, like a car accident. This type of trauma is almost always physical.

“Soft trauma” is prolonged physiological or emotional abuse. All forms of abuse fall into this category (child abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic relationships, domestic abuse, etc.).

The physical evidence of soft trauma is usually delayed. It can take weeks, months, or years to manifest in physical form. However, the effect of soft trauma on the body is just as devastating as hard trauma. It simply appears in a different form, like chronic pain, mental illness, allergies, cancer, and a host of serious or life-threatening illnesses.

Soft trauma is what you and I struggle with every day. To recover from soft trauma, you must restore peace to your mind, body, soul, and spirit. That’s why I talk so much about self-care, self-love, and self-compassion. Trauma and abuse devastate every part of you. Learning how to love and care for yourself through a daily self-care regime is how you begin the healing process.

We all know firsthand the power of soft trauma. It overwhelms you with its constant slam-dunk impact. You feel hopeless. You feel stuck. You think you have no options. Because you feel totally and completely powerless, you disconnect from your body and heart to survive it.

Healing from trauma forces you to connect again and feel all these emotions on a level that’s excruciatingly painful at times. Yes, healing can get very dark and messy.

But it was in this painful darkness where I found myself again. And you will, too. In the darkness you find your power, your strengths, and your authentic self. As you move through the darkness you’ll eventually find your heart, and that’s when you begin to fall in love with yourself.

Trauma may have knocked you down. But it can’t keep you down once you start your healing journey. Continue moving forward. The darkness won’t last forever. And the Light is more glorious than you could have ever imagined. You’re closer to it than you think!

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Are you struggling with soft trauma, and you can’t seem to move forward anymore? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Make Peace with Your Emotions

1/8/2017

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You can’t heal from abuse or trauma without learning how to feel your emotions. For someone who has never experienced abuse, what I just said must sound weird. Doesn’t everyone know how to feel their feelings? No, they don’t. Not us.

This is especially true for child abuse survivors. We grew up unprotected, watching violence, listening to violence, and experiencing violence. The only way to survive this type of toxic environment was to shut down any awareness of the raging emotions inside us. It wasn’t safe to express our emotions. It wasn’t safe to talk about our emotions. It wasn’t safe.

When I began my healing journey, I had no idea how deeply I had suppressed all my emotions. I was completely unaware of the repressed sadness, grief, outrage, and anger festering inside me.

As my awareness grew, I could see how shame had crippled almost every area of my life. For example, I’ll never forget the time I was arguing with my husband. At one point I was no longer making sense. All I cared about was being right. Suddenly, I realized this was shame rearing its ugly head. I stopped arguing and told my husband he was right. And he was.

Practice feeling your emotions by becoming aware of your body. That’s the best place to start.

Scan your body. Do you feel discomfort, tightness, or stress anywhere? Where is it in your body? Focus on the emotion in that area until you can name it. Then feel it.

Is this emotion a response to something that just happened? Or is it a response to a situation from the past? Emotions from the past are stored as trapped energy in the body. They need to be acknowledged and released by gently allowing them to move through you. Let them go.

Make peace with your emotions. Practice finding, feeling, and releasing them in a healthy way. Soon you’ll discover a wonderful truth: your emotions are your friends.
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Is it difficult for you to feel all of your emotions? Is the thought of doing this just too overwhelming to consider? If so, I can help! Follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life.

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Feel Safe in an Unsafe World

12/4/2016

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Safety is a major issue for us. Most survivors of child abuse or trauma don't know how to feel safe.

One of the first things I do with new clients is help them establish an understanding of safety. But how do you do that? How can you feel safe in an unsafe world?

You tackle this goal in two phases. First, you create a safe inner world for yourself. Then you establish a safe outer world.

When we don't feel safe as adults, it’s because our inner world isn’t safe. In order to heal your inner world, you must give yourself permission to not only feel your emotions but also face those emotions you weren’t allowed to express as an abused child.

This is important, because every year those repressed emotions eat up more space inside you. You need to acknowledge them, feel them, express them, and then release them in a healthy way.

After spending years struggling with my feelings, I’ve learned to appreciate them. I no longer fear them. Your emotions are the language your body uses to communicate with you. This is how your nervous system warns you about something or lets you know it’s time to make a change in a certain area of your life.

Once you’ve made peace with your emotions and created a safe inner world, your outer world will begin to shift and change.

The most important step I took in creating a safe outer world was to cut out family members who were unsupportive of my healing. As I healed my inner world, I realized most of my family was never going to be a part of my healing, and I’m okay with that. We each have our own path to follow. We may have been born into the same family, but that doesn’t mean our paths are the same.

If you’re having trouble with safety issues and need help, I’m here for you. My clients often tell me how safe they feel with me. That’s because I simplify the process to make it easier for them to create a safe inner and outer world for themselves.

Contact me if you need help. I had to create safety for myself years ago, so I’m happy to show you how to do it, too!
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Is safety a major issue for you? Are you struggling to feel safe in an unsafe world? If so, I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Heal Your Emotional Pain

10/22/2016

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Are you hurting today? If so, I know how you feel. I used to carry an unbearably heavy load of emotional pain.

It’s important for survivors of child abuse and trauma to find a productive way to validate and express emotional pain. All of it. You can’t heal completely until you acknowledge how devastating it is to be abandoned, neglected, and ignored as a child.

When I began this validation process, I decided to become an advocate and speaker. I gave lots of talks about child sexual abuse, my past, and how to keep kids safe from predators.

This was the platform I had chosen to tell my story, and it was an important step in my healing process. However, I wasn’t aware I was still looking for someone to appear out of nowhere and fix the chaos I felt inside. Because of that, I had a tendency to overwhelm people with my message.

Even so, that was a very healing time for me, and I learned a lot from the experience. I felt vindicated by all the people listening to my story. Especially those who expressed sadness in response to what had happened to me. I also learned how to take responsibility for the impact of my words.

I’m incredibly grateful for all the people who heard me speak back then. They helped me heal. They listened and validated my pain. They kept open hearts and showered me with empathy and compassion.

Your pain will help you heal, too. Every time you tell your story to a safe friend you’ll learn how to connect with others and yourself.

Today, when I’m invited to speak I mention the pain from my past, but I focus most of my message on hope, healing, and the love I carry in my heart for myself and others.

There’s no room for pain in my life anymore. One day there won’t be room for pain in your life, too. Keep telling your story, and that day will arrive sooner than you think!
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Are you tired of being battered by a heavy load of emotional pain from the past? I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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What To Do If You Feel Unlovable

10/16/2016

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It's impossible to love others if you can't love yourself fully and completely. That's just how love works. I mean, you can't give away what you don't have, right?

If you struggle with being loving to yourself, that simply means you don't know what real love looks like, or how it's supposed to feel. Many of us grew up this way because we were abused as children. All we saw was a highly toxic, distorted form of "love," which wasn't real love at all.

If that sounds like your childhood, I know how you feel. Expressing love was so hard for me, it was infuriating! But if I can learn how to do it, so can you. Learning how to truly love is the most important gift you can give to yourself and the world.

Begin by applying self-compassion. What do I mean by that? Basically, self-compassion is the courage to connect completely with the parts of yourself you don’t like, or you’ve never wanted to acknowledge. Those parts you’re so ashamed of that you’ve always kept them hidden.

One by one, I had to face these parts of myself I’d rejected. Those were the parts I’d held responsible for all the bad things that had happened to me. They were the parts I thought deserved the abuse.

I made friends with them, saw them through the eyes of God, and finally brought them back into my core self. Applying self-compassion and learning how to love these hidden parts taught me what real, unconditional love felt like. It showed me the difference between healthy love and toxic love.

When I could finally love and accept every part of myself, an amazing thing happened. I fell in love with who I am, and the person I’ve become. I no longer need to hide any part of myself. No part of me is bad. No part of me is shameful. No part of me deserves to be abused.

Through this process I discovered I’m a kind, compassionate, caring, loving, supportive, silly (yes, I am!!) human being. I’m a wonderful work-in-progress. Still learning, still growing, but loving every step and the unique individual I’m becoming.

Who are you? Apply self-compassion to those parts of yourself you’ve always kept hidden, and let’s find out!
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Do you feel unlovable today? Are you struggling to love the parts of yourself you’ve always kept hidden from the world? Don’t worry. I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Break the Power of Fear!

6/18/2016

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Lately, we’ve all been exposed to some terrifying events in the news. I know the impact this has had on me. And I know it has shaken a few of my clients. So I think it’s time we talk about fear.

First, there was the outrage over the verdict in the Stanford rape case. This has been an emotionally difficult experience for all sexual abuse survivors. I applaud those who spoke up, stepped forward in support of the victim, and demanded more accountability from our judicial system. And I applaud the courage and strength of the victim for her decision to go public with her testimony.

Next, there was the horrendous shooting in Orlando. The pain, grief, and senselessness of a mass murder is hard to fathom. The sadness of this tragedy almost overwhelmed me. And I wasn’t alone. A few of my clients were also triggered by the shooting. In some way, every trauma survivor has been shaken by it.

After years of living in fear, I know its power all too well. Fortunately, fear no longer rules my life. I’ve worked hard to conquer it. However, that doesn’t mean fear no longer rears its ugly head. It does. It just means I’ve learned how to manage it.

Fear is fueled by fear. The more fearful you become, the more power you give it. I no longer allow this to happen. I can feel fear in my body. I can see it coming. Because of my abusive past, fear will always be a part of who I am. But I don’t give it control. Instead, I break its power the minute it appears.

How? By talking to it like an old friend. I say: “Fear, I see you. I hear you. But I don’t need you right now. I’m not that scared little girl anymore. I’m a grown woman. I can handle this situation. You’re free to go. Thank you for checking in with me, but I’m doing just fine without you. Goodbye!”

The next time fear comes calling in your life, talk to it like that. You can’t completely eliminate fear from your life. But you can break its power. Start today. It’s a wonderful feeling!
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Are you struggling with fear? Does fear control your life? If so, I can help you break its power. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

5/30/2016

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Last week, I not only talked about how to love yourself but also how to love others. Love and trust go hand in hand, especially for survivors of child sexual abuse.

Trust is all about recognizing and paying attention to your inner warning system: red flags. In order to survive your abusive past you had to disconnect from the truth. You didn’t feel safe. You didn’t trust the adults around you. This was your truth. But, even though you were up to your eyeballs in red flags, you had to ignore them to survive that abusive situation. Eventually, this became one of your toxic coping skills.

However, now that you’re an adult, it’s time to “reactivate” your internal warning system. Red flags are there for your protection. Yes, it’s important to learn how to truly love yourself and others. But that doesn’t mean everyone you meet is safe and worthy of your trust.

How do you learn to pay attention again? What can you do if you’ve ignored your red flags for so long you don’t notice them?

Don’t worry. You may not notice all your red flags, but you do notice some. Unfortunately, you’re in the toxic habit of reasoning them away. When a red flag pops up you say, “Oh, I just imagined that” or “Oh, he/she isn’t THAT scary” or “I’m not happy about how he just hurt me, but he probably won’t do it again.”

No, you didn’t just imagine that. Yes, he/she is that scary. Yes, he probably will hurt you again. Stop ignoring those warnings. The minute a red flag appears over someone’s behavior, pay careful attention to it. Your internal warning system is built on discernment (noticing red flags) and setting firm, healthy boundaries with the people in your life.

Boundaries define the difference between your responsibilities as an adult and other people’s responsibilities as adults. Everyone is supposed to do their part. If someone crosses one of your boundaries or pressures you to cross a boundary, that’s a red flag.

You can learn this. It just takes time. A good place to start is in an abuse survivor group, where you can practice reactivating your internal warning system. Or if you have questions about red flags or setting healthy boundaries, let me know. I’m here for you. Always!
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Are you struggling with setting boundaries or noticing “red flags”? I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How Do You Learn to Love Yourself?

5/23/2016

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If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know my favorite subject is “love.” Most of you are here because of the abuse and trauma you suffered as a child.

Maybe you were hurt by someone you loved and trusted. Maybe you were hurt by someone who claimed to love you. Since you were only a child at the time you became very confused about love and how normal loving behavior is supposed to look and feel.

I totally understand. The issue of love was a struggle for me, too. I felt terribly broken when I realized I didn’t know how to love myself. Even so, loving myself was the thing I resisted the most, and this is true in the beginning for all my clients.

Why are we like that? It’s because love is a two-fold problem for us. First, we don’t know how to love ourselves, so we believe we are unlovable. Our entire past acts as proof to support this toxic belief. Second, because we don’t know how to love ourselves, we make others responsible for loving us. But that never works, because we don’t know how to accept their love.

Ugh! How frustrating, right?

For many of my clients, I model how to be loving. To love themselves more, I help them learn how to be kind to all the different parts of themselves, especially those they reject or abandon.

To be more loving to others, I help them develop an inner awareness of their energy when they interact with people. Are you automatically defensive, because you’re afraid you’ll be hurt? Or do you remain calm, open, and trusting? To figure this out, don’t retreat to your mind. Slow down and focus on your body. It will let you know if you’re defensive or calm.

For survivors like us, this is hard in the beginning. As abused children, we learned to stay safe by disconnecting from the truth about ourselves and others. But it’s never too late to learn how to love yourself. You can’t heal completely until you do. Best of all, the more you love yourself, the more love you will feel toward others, and the more love you’ll receive.

Wow. It doesn’t get any better than that!

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If you’re ready to learn how to truly love yourself, I can help. I’ll walk you through it, model it for you, and show you the steps. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Dealing With Out-of-Control Emotions

4/17/2016

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One of the hardest things for me to do on my healing journey was to comfortably acknowledge my feelings. I had no idea why I felt the way I did or how to express my emotions.

Like all survivors of child sexual abuse, I bounced back and forth between anxiety (fear of the future) and depression (sadness about my past). The abuse had taught me to shut down my emotions when faced with an uncomfortable situation.

But that toxic coping skill also kept me from enjoying the good feelings I experienced. I was imprisoned in a constant state of numbness. It’s no wonder my husband used to call me the “Ice Queen.” Yikes!

As a child, I was terrified of expressing my feelings. I knew it would just get me into trouble with the adults in my house. When I grew up, I was terrified of these trapped emotions. They were so intense I was afraid if I ever expressed them I’d lose control, start crying, and never stop.

On Thursday May 5th, my next FREE 90-minute webinar will go live. This one is about dealing with your emotions. In this webinar, you’ll receive information about:

How to recognize and express your feelings
How to correctly identify an emotion (real, learned, or perceived)
How to tell the difference between these three kinds of emotions
How to safely release pent-up emotional energy from sadness, anger, fear, etc.
The emotional benefits of mindfulness, journaling, inner child work
How to control your out-of-control feelings
How to explore, manage, and express emotions in a healthy way
Personal stories from my own life to show you how to do this
And much, much more!

Today, I can safely express a wide range of emotions. In fact, my husband has a new name for me. He calls me the “Queen of Hearts.” I’ve come a long way!

You can, too. If you’d like to learn how to deal with all your emotions (the good ones and the scary ones), join me on Thursday, May 5th, at 12:00noon (PST).

Save the date and I will send the link and access soon! Look forward to seeing you there!

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Are you struggling with your healing journey? I can help you take that next step. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Heal From Abuse by Validating Your Hurt Inner Child

What is “Soft Trauma”?

How to Make Peace with Your Emotions

How to Feel Safe in an Unsafe World

How to Heal Your Emotional Pain

What To Do If You Feel Unlovable

Break the Power of Fear!

Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

How Do You Learn to Love Yourself?

Dealing With Out-of-Control Emotions

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