Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

The Healing Effect of TRE® on Your Relationships

10/23/2017

Did you know connecting with your body makes it easier to connect with other people? It’s true. Because of that, one of the side effects of TRE® is the healing effect it has on your relationships.

I’m in Iceland this month, leading two groups of ten people through the TRE® process for three weeks. Teaching TRE® is one of my favorite things to do. I love the way it helps my students connect with the wisdom of the body.

When most people come to a TRE® workshop for the first time, they tend to be a little nervous. I can relate. I felt the same way when I was introduced to TRE® three years ago. Some come after watching a few videos and googling articles about TRE® online. But most attend because they believe TRE® will help them heal. And it will!

Being connected to the body is a new experience for child abuse survivors like us. We had to disconnect as children in order to survive our traumatic past. Since connecting is not a skill we were taught, we never knew we needed to reconnect as adults. This is one of the main reasons why our relationships tend to be a mess. If you’re not connected to your body, it’s impossible to connect with others in a meaningful way.

It’s important for all survivors to proceed slowly when they practice TRE®. Baby steps are essential. It takes time to learn self-regulation when working with your body, which is another skill we were never taught as children.

We all know recovery from abuse is not a quick fix. TRE® is no different. Yes, you’ll experience immediate relief during your first few TRE® sessions. But deep healing from the chronic trauma of child abuse takes time. Be patient with yourself and your progress. Be consistent, stick with it, and healing will come.

If TRE® sounds like a healing tool you’d like to experience, send me a message. I work with clients worldwide through private, online, TRE® sessions. I’m always happy to answer your questions or schedule an online TRE® session with you. Just ask!

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Are you curious about TRE®, and you’d like to know more about how this self-help tool can heal your body and relationships? If so, just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

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Creating a Healthy Sense of Peace in Your Relationships

6/19/2017

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If you follow me on Facebook, you’ve probably seen the photo I posted of my husband and I in 1993. I was pregnant with my first child, and we were looking forward to starting our family.

Even though we’ve been through some really rough times in the last 24 years, our love for each other has carried us through. My husband, David, is still my best friend. He helped me heal my wounded heart. I’ve cried rivers of tears in his arms, as he listened to the pain from my past. Over and over again, he has lovingly reminded me I’m more than my abusive childhood.

Here are several truths I’ve learned for child abuse survivors about marriage. These are all things I wish someone had told me back in 1993.

Heal for yourself, not for anyone else. My initial decision to heal was for my kids. I didn’t want to pass the pain from my abusive childhood to them. I wanted that toxic legacy to end with me. Eventually, I realized healing only happens when you do it for yourself.
Our parents taught us how to build toxic relationships, not healthy ones. Do what you need to do to learn how to create the healthy, happy relationships you’ve always wanted.
Your kids watch you like a hawk. Children are sponges. They not only absorb everything you say but also everything you do. Make sure what they see in you is a model for how to build the loving, healthy, nourishing relationships they deserve.
Your responsibility is to make YOU happy. This isn’t the responsibility of your spouse or kids. You’re the only one who can truly make you happy. To do this, find out what you want in life and give it to yourself.
Perfect marriages don’t exist. My husband and I were two people from dysfunctional families, who fell in love. That’s what we brought to the table. As we’ve both healed from childhood trauma, our goal has been to create a place of peace for ourselves and our kids.

Life continues to send challenges our way. Even so, our primary goal has remained the same. We’re committed to creating a safe, healthy, family environment where the truth can be voiced and our emotions can be expressed. We don’t require everyone in our family to be happy 100% of the time. We just want our home to be a peaceful one in which it’s safe to nurture your authentic self.

After all, creating peace in this world starts at home, right?

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Are you and your spouse struggling with your relationship? Does peace in your family seem like an impossible goal? If so, I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Become a Connection Magnet!

3/20/2017

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I often mention in my blog posts how we had to disconnect from our body when we were children in order to survive the abuse we endured. This is how our nervous system protected us. It knew the abuse was too much for our tender young mind, spirit, and soul to handle.

However, when you grow up, this coping skill turns toxic and works against you. To fix that, you must learn how to reconnect with your body. Why? Because you can’t connect with others in a meaningful way until you connect with your body. You might think when you become an adult your body will reconnect automatically. But it can’t. It still doesn’t feel safe.

So we sabotage our relationships. We crave connection with other people and pull them to us. But when they get too close, we freak and push them away. We use lots of excuses to justify our toxic behavior. We say we can’t meet the right people. Or no one cares about us. Or no one has anything in common with us. Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, we don’t push the abusive people away. Instead, we let them get too close. We end up doing all the giving in those toxic relationships. The abuser just takes and takes and takes and then abandons us in a heartless manner. Is it any wonder your body never feels safe?

To build healthy, positive relationships, you must learn how to reconnect with your body. It’s the only way your body will ever feel safe. You can start by not giving so much to others. Develop the habit of giving the same amount of time, love, care, and compassion to yourself. Be as good to yourself as you are to others.

When you do, an incredible thing happens. Only emotionally healthy relationships will flow into your life. In fact, I’m still in awe of this. I no longer attract abusers. Now I only attract joyous, nurturing people, who value me as much as I value myself. Wow, right?

As you connect with your body in a loving way, it will finally feel safe, and you’ll become a “connection magnet.” Then watch how God brings the most incredible people and relationships into your life. I guarantee you’ll be as awestruck as I am!

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Are you trapped in that frustrating pull/push pattern? Is it hard for you to reconnect with your body? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100 per hour). Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot TODAY!

Have you read my bestselling book, “Journey to the Heart”? If you’re ready to heal from the effects of abuse or trauma (depression, anxiety, PTSD, allergies, chronic pain, etc.), this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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What Does A Healthy Love Relationship Look Like?

11/21/2016

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Lately, my husband and I have been discussing peace and what it feels like to be at peace.

This is a major topic for us. Peace is something we struggled with in the past. Fortunately, we’ve come a long way since then. Now I’m grateful to be able to talk like this with a man who loves me, thinks I’m beautiful, and tells me how much peace and joy I bring into his life.

I think that’s everyone’s deepest desire in a marriage. We all want to be seen, heard, understood, and valued by our spouse.

I have to say I’m in awe of this place we’ve come to in our love relationship. It wasn’t always this way. We used to wound each other a lot. We were childish and said hurtful things. Our marriage was filled with drama, crisis, judgement, and emotional abuse. As you can imagine, we were both miserable.

But we learned. We held each other accountable and tried to do it with kindness. To accomplish this, we had to take risks. We had to become vulnerable, which is really scary for trauma and abuse survivors.

Even so, our marriage will always be a work-in-progress. There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. We both continue to grow and learn. As a result, we’ve become allies in our quest to be the very best version of ourselves we can be.

This is what a healthy love relationship looks like, and I feel blessed we can model this for our children. It has brought a tremendous sense of peace into our family and home. We deserve that. And our kids deserve parents who are willing to take responsibility for their lives.

But in order to do that, we had to reach out and seek help. We had to learn how to communicate in a positive way. We had to give each other the benefit of the doubt. We couldn’t automatically assume the worst. Instead, we had to ask for an explanation, allow for mistakes, and lovingly accept apologies.

This is how you move forward to build a love relationship that works for your family, rather than against it. Not easy, but totally worth it!
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Are you struggling to communicate in your marriage? Do you feel like you and your spouse are on competing teams rather than the same team? If so, I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($100). Let me help you heal your marriage. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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How to Heal After You’ve Been Triggered

10/10/2016

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I was triggered last week. Ugh!!

The healing journey is challenging and not for the faint of heart. Even if you’ve been on your healing journey for years or decades, you can still be triggered in extreme situations. Ouch!

This time I was triggered by betrayal. Not a new betrayal, but it felt like a fresh wound. And it reminded me how the greatest hurt always comes from those we love.

Child abuse is betrayal trauma. When we’re abused by the people we love and trust, it makes us question our core truth. Am I lovable? Am I good enough to be alive, to breath, to find happiness, to be seen and heard?

I’ve come a long way. I’ve learned how to heal, hold, and love the wounded, betrayed little girl inside. I know I’m not broken. I am lovable. And I deserve to be alive, seen, and heard.

Because of this, when I was triggered last week, I knew what to do to heal. I acknowledged the depth of my grief, I felt it fully, and then I set it free so it wouldn’t remain trapped in my body.

That’s what you should do, too, the next time you’re triggered. Face your pain, acknowledge it, and listen for the lesson it teaches you about how to defuse that trigger once and for all. Just ask. The pain will tell you everything you need to know.

Then turn your vision for the happy, healthy life you’re building into an affirmation. Say it all day long. This is a wonderful way to ground your mind and emotions in the present moment by reminding yourself how far you’ve come and how much you’ve achieved on your healing journey.

Even though at this point in my life I’m thriving, blessed, and loved, I’ve learned a lot from this painful grief. I can see I’m still too hard on myself. I’m too quick to judge and condemn. I need to be more loving, forgiving, and compassionate with myself. I need to find a way to bring more love into my life.

So that’s my task this week. What can I say? Love is always the Lesson!
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Are you struggling with pesky triggers? Are you too quick to condemn yourself when you’re triggered? Don’t worry. I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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What Can You Do About Toxic Relationships?

9/18/2016

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Attachment is a tricky concept for the survivors of child abuse. There are three kinds of attachment: healthy attachment, toxic attachment, and non-attachment. All can be very confusing for us!

Connection is a basic emotional need. We connect through healthy attachments. For example, if you grew up in a loving, supportive family, you were respected for your unique individuality. This taught you to form healthy attachments (relationships) with others when you became an adult.

But we didn’t have that. We grew up in toxic, dysfunctional, abusive families, where we were punished or hurt for our individuality. This trained us to put up with abuse and to deny our individuality to satisfy others. It taught us to form toxic attachments as adults.

Yikes!!

Part of the healing journey is learning how to form healthy attachments, a skill we were never taught as children. The first step is to accept the reality of your current relationships. Do these people treat you poorly? Do you hope they’ll see the light one day and decide to be nicer to you, to recognize your value and worth, to celebrate your individuality, and to be more loving to you? If so, this is a toxic attachment.

The second step is to pull back from all the toxic attachments in your life. You must deal with your inner child before you can set healthier ground rules with toxic people. Take the time to gently help your inner child understand you’re not here to parent or protect them.

The third step is to practice non-attachment with toxic people. Set firm, healthy boundaries with no emotional attachment to how they choose to react or what they do.

You can’t change other people. That’s not your responsibility. Your job is to become the awesome individual you were born to be. Some of the people you’re attached to right now will value that.

Others won’t. Toxic attachments hinder your healing journey. Sometimes the best course of action is to leave these relationships. Don’t feel bad about that. We all have to do it eventually.

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Are you struggling with toxic relationships? I can help. Just send me an email to svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Who Am I?

9/2/2016

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“If I’m not depressed, anxious, lonely, grieving, angry, frustrated, perfect, or taking care of someone else, who am I?”

I love it when my clients progress far enough on their healing journey to ask this question!

As you begin to feel better on the inside, your outside world will change. For example, you’re more mindful of how you feel in different situations and how people relate to you. Suddenly, this is the question you’re asking yourself. For the first time in your life you don’t know who you are, and that’s a very good sign!

Healing will change the dynamic of all your relationships. There will be those who applaud the progress you’re making on your healing journey. Others will feel threatened by it and attack.

Those are the people who were invested in your pain, because they benefited from it in some way. They remind you subconsciously of the emotional abusers from your past. The wounded soul inside you attracted these people into your life. It wanted them to love and understand you. It wanted them to make it all better.

This is how your traumatized subconscious is attempting to write a happy ending to the past. Unfortunately, it never works. Most emotional abusers have no desire to change.

Yet, these people are a gift and a blessing. It’s true! They come into your life for a certain amount of time to show you what you need to heal in yourself. Then they give you plenty of challenging opportunities to practice setting emotional boundaries, speaking your truth, and asking for what you need. They may not be in your life forever. But they always appear at the right time.

How can you tell you’re living your truth? When you’re the same person with everyone. No more people-pleasing. No more codependent behavior. No more masks to wear. There’s no need for these crutches. Your heart is free. You’ve reached the point where you know who you are, and you’re incredibly proud of it. Congratulations!
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Are you having trouble figuring out who you are becoming? Are you still dealing with some toxic relationships in your life? If so, I can help you work through this. Just email me at svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Discover Your Inner Superpower!

7/9/2016

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Child sexual abuse isn’t about sex. It’s about power. Because of this, survivors of child abuse often struggle with issues of personal power.

You were hurt by someone who had authority over you at a time when you were so young you didn’t have enough power to stop the abuse. You quickly learned your well-being was dependent upon not speaking up. Child abuse forced you to give up your power, voice, and safety.

This is why many survivors end up in abusive relationships. Even as adults, they don’t realize they can speak up for themselves, set healthy boundaries, and protect themselves from abusers. Instead, they continue to suffer in silence.

Yet you do have power. Lots of it! To connect with that power, change the false inner belief that you’re powerless.

But what is your power? It’s the ability to connect with any healthy, nourishing thing that makes you feel good about yourself. The more you connect with these things, the more power you’ll rediscover within yourself.

However, let me warn you. Reconnecting with your power will upset the dynamic of your relationships. No doubt about it. Some of your family and friends will be thrilled for you. Others will be horrified.

Don’t worry. This happens to everyone. Yes, I lost a few friends along the way. I discovered the ones who stuck with me and supported me were the ones who truly loved and valued me. The others only liked me if I bent over backwards to please them or take care of them. Good riddance, right?

Today, all my relationships are healthy ones. I have the power to take care of myself, to speak up when I need to protect a boundary, or to ask for help.

You have this same power inside you. Explore the truth of who you are, what makes you happy, what brings you joy, and what gives you peace. Only when you do these things for yourself will you reconnect with your inner personal power.

Practice this kind of self-care and self-love every day. Soon you’ll realize the power inside you isn’t just an average power. It’s a superpower. And it’s all YOURS!

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Are you struggling with issues of personal power? If so, I can help you reconnect with the amazing, superpower inside you. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

5/30/2016

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Last week, I not only talked about how to love yourself but also how to love others. Love and trust go hand in hand, especially for survivors of child sexual abuse.

Trust is all about recognizing and paying attention to your inner warning system: red flags. In order to survive your abusive past you had to disconnect from the truth. You didn’t feel safe. You didn’t trust the adults around you. This was your truth. But, even though you were up to your eyeballs in red flags, you had to ignore them to survive that abusive situation. Eventually, this became one of your toxic coping skills.

However, now that you’re an adult, it’s time to “reactivate” your internal warning system. Red flags are there for your protection. Yes, it’s important to learn how to truly love yourself and others. But that doesn’t mean everyone you meet is safe and worthy of your trust.

How do you learn to pay attention again? What can you do if you’ve ignored your red flags for so long you don’t notice them?

Don’t worry. You may not notice all your red flags, but you do notice some. Unfortunately, you’re in the toxic habit of reasoning them away. When a red flag pops up you say, “Oh, I just imagined that” or “Oh, he/she isn’t THAT scary” or “I’m not happy about how he just hurt me, but he probably won’t do it again.”

No, you didn’t just imagine that. Yes, he/she is that scary. Yes, he probably will hurt you again. Stop ignoring those warnings. The minute a red flag appears over someone’s behavior, pay careful attention to it. Your internal warning system is built on discernment (noticing red flags) and setting firm, healthy boundaries with the people in your life.

Boundaries define the difference between your responsibilities as an adult and other people’s responsibilities as adults. Everyone is supposed to do their part. If someone crosses one of your boundaries or pressures you to cross a boundary, that’s a red flag.

You can learn this. It just takes time. A good place to start is in an abuse survivor group, where you can practice reactivating your internal warning system. Or if you have questions about red flags or setting healthy boundaries, let me know. I’m here for you. Always!
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Are you struggling with setting boundaries or noticing “red flags”? I can help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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The Healing Journey: How to Help Your Partner Support You

5/15/2016

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This month my husband and I celebrated our 22-year wedding anniversary. WOW! Where did the time go, right?

As you can imagine, it hasn’t always been a bed of roses for us. Those early years were rough. REALLY rough!

The turning point came when we finally learned how to be friends. We had no idea how to be kind, understanding, or gently reassuring. Instead, we were so hard on each other it felt like we were pouring salt in each other’s wounds. Ouch!

Fortunately, we got the help we needed. We learned how to be accountable for all the ways we respond to each other. Now we no longer expect the worst.

We both came from abusive homes, so trust was a big issue for us. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I couldn’t trust David when he tried to be there for me. I didn’t believe he had good intentions. No one ever had in my past.

When you’re healing from child sexual abuse, you don’t know what to expect on your healing journey from day to day. Learning how to express your feelings is a new experience, and it’s tough. All those bottled up emotions come pouring out: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s intense for you and your partner.

Some days I wanted him to stay. Some days I wanted to be alone. But with counseling and support, we made it. I learned how to ask for what I needed, even during those times when all I could say was, “Honey, I’m having a meltdown right now…I just need to cry…don’t worry…you didn’t do anything wrong…it’s not your fault…just hold me if you can… tell me everything is going to be okay.

Today, our relationship is amazing. We don't argue. We don't bicker. We’re the best of friends. We practice being compassionate, gentle, and kind to each other.

We’re at peace.

If you’re married and struggling with how to communicate to your partner about your healing journey, I’m happy to help. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to book a FREE, 30-minute coaching session with me. I have very limited availability right now, but if you’re ready to invest in your healing and your marriage, I look forward to chatting with you! You can take a look at my availability now.

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Are you on my email list? If you’d like to receive my empowering monthly newsletter and an email with a link to my weekly blog post, click here: http://www.educate4change.com/

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<<Previous

The Healing Effect of TRE® on Your Relationships

Creating a Healthy Sense of Peace in Your Relationships

Become a Connection Magnet!

What Does A Healthy Love Relationship Look Like?

How to Heal After You’ve Been Triggered

What Can You Do About Toxic Relationships?

Who Am I?

Discover Your Inner Superpower!

Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

The Healing Journey: How to Help Your Partner Support You

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