Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Why Am I Not Moving Forward in My Healing?

3/28/2018

I wrote this blog post a few months ago and quite a few people responded to it, thanking me for sharing these steps. I am glad I did because I struggled with understanding why I was stuck for a long time. This is a question I asked myself for a long time. Why was I stuck, why did I always fall back to my old destructive ways?

So many people could diagnose me. So many people could tell me what was wrong with me. But few could actually help me heal. It got to be very frustrating and I was discouraged.

Now I know why. Because my healing wasn’t the task of these other people. It was my job. I had to take all the information I had gathered about recovering from child abuse and trauma and move that knowledge from my head to my heart.

In other words, I had to do the tough, messy work of applying it to my own life. But what I was still searching for, even after I gathered the steps, was finding someone to somehow model these steps for me. To engage with me in a way that demonstrated these steps in action.

Here are the seven steps child abuse and trauma survivors need to take in order to heal. If you want to start to feel a shift in your healing, start to apply them every day.

Establish Safety. Figure out what makes you feel safe. This is your first priority.
Develop Courage. Eventually, your willingness to heal will develop into courage, as you take more and more healthy risks.
Create a Mindfulness Practice. Connecting with your body is essential for healing. As abused children, we learned the toxic skill of disconnection. Mindfulness will help you reconnect.
Express Your Emotions. Learn how to identify, listen to, feel, and express your emotions in a healthy way. All of them: the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Change Your Negative Beliefs. You created these toxic beliefs as a way to survive an abusive childhood. But you’re an adult now. Change your story (beliefs) to what benefits your adult life.
Practice Self-Care, Self-Love, and Self-Compassion. Put yourself first on your To-Do list. Every day, find a way to lovingly care for and celebrate yourself.
Build a Support System. You can’t do this alone. Healing doesn’t work that way. Surround yourself with nourishing friends who support your healing goals, and a safe place to practice your new way of thinking/feeling/being. (This is the part I was missing for a long time.)

Just the act of implementing these seven steps is a major move forward on your healing journey. And even better is joining a group of people that are also making the shift, that are focusing and intending on daily action to heal their lives, to motivate you. Stick with it, stay connected to survivors that are doing the same thing, and you’ll experience a positive shift sooner than you think.

Why? Because healing is hard. Survivors doubt they can heal, wondering if they are worth it. We feel alone with these hard feelings, as if no one can understand. But you are not alone. Because these steps are more than a decision, it is a willingness and a commitment. A commitment to yourself that requires a lifestyle change, a change in your thoughts, feelings, and habits. We can not do that without constant support and accountability.

And that’s how you heal. Finally! And you will have a whole community of people to celebrate you, support you, and encourage you along the way.

I would not suggest this support if I did not offer it. If you are ready to dig deep and heal this year and looking for the right support for you, please send me a note and book a free 30 min. session with me. (Limited time offer. Offer ends 4/6/18) Just follow (this link)

I offer a few options and groups for you to choose from. Don't struggle alone. You are worthy of support and healing. I believe in you!

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Ready to move forward? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($125). Let me help you get moving forward. You deserve it! Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Why Learning Self-Care Is One of the Most Rewarding Lessons

3/21/2018

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I struggled with self-care for a long time. It wasn’t an easy task for me. Back then, my self-care mostly consisted of numbing the pain. I was in too much pain and too ashamed of what had happened to me. It hurt too much to think about it. In the process, I had completely disconnected from myself and my needs.

What helped was when I learned about the long term impact of trauma or rather the long term impact of toxic stress on my body. I could easily see how the abuse I suffered made me not want to talk about the past, feel my feelings, or want to take care of my body. But what was invisible to me and my awareness was how the toxic stress from my childhood was still fueling the high level of cortisol in my body. The high levels of stress hormones in the body can create and contribute to long term problems with our heart and for our blood vessels. This information became a game changer for me.

I had to start to practice good self-care to help my body counter the years of living with toxic levels of stress in my body. My body was my vehicle to living a good life. I needed a healthy body if I was going to heal and restore, I was not sure how but I knew I wanted to experience feeling good about myself after all the healing.

Adding self-care to my life was difficult because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted and needed. I was really hard on myself about this, too. It was embarrassing. I was a grown woman but I didn’t know how to care for myself in a loving way.

However, I was very skilled at taking care of family and friends. I knew what they needed and I would go out of my way to make sure those needs were met. I always put them first, often at the expense of my own self-care.

Does this sound like you? If so, here’s how to stop neglecting yourself.

Self-care begins with awareness. Pay attention to what works, what doesn’t work, and what needs to be tweaked in your life.

The best way to do this is to make a list:

What healthy foods did you eat today?
Did you exercise today?
How much water did you drink today?
How much sleep did you get?
Did you do something today that gave you joy, something just for you?

Seems like a tall order, doesn’t it? It did to me at first. With a busy work life and a family of five, I had no time in my day for taking care of “me.”

But I was determined to do this, so I kept trying. I was especially motivated to not let the past take any more from my present life. It is my life now. My future that I was investing in. I knew it was my responsibility now to choose things that were good for me.

Then an amazing thing happened. I began to feel better about myself. I was shocked to discover self-care was helping me heal.

Slowly, I started to treat myself with the respect and love I deserved. And it felt good. Really good. After a few ups and downs with my self-care, I learned what worked for me. I gave myself 12 months, a whole year to implement a new healthy habit. It has taken a few years but now I do some form of exercise 5 time per week. I drink plenty of water every day. I keep track of my sleep and I get 3 healthy meals every single day. My self-care journey was just as challenging as my emotional and mental health journey but I have to say it was the most rewarding. I know I have helped reverse some of the long term health affects my trauma caused and I get to feel good in my body and feel good about taking care of it.

You can do this, too. Make today the day you take those first steps toward your own self-care. It won’t feel comfortable at first, but keep trying. You’ll be glad you did!

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Ready to tackle self care? Not sure where to start? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($125). Let me help you understand the impact, and how to start your healing journey. You deserve it! Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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A Follow Up to Oprah's 60 Minute Segment on Childhood Trauma

3/14/2018

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For most survivors of trauma, it is not the abuse we suffered that was the worst part, it is the fact that we had to suffer alone in isolation with our hurt and pain for years, sometimes for decades, before we either found the courage to ask for help or we had a breakdown where we could just no longer keep a straight face, pretend and hide the truth.

The hardest work of healing is correcting the story that we lived with for so long, that you did not matter, that no one cared, and there was no one coming to the rescue. If you are one of the few lucky ones, you may have had a few helpful relationships along the way, even just one person that you can look back on and see that it was because of him/her that you hung onto hope and kept going. Even just one person that you had in your life that cared enough to ask you how you were doing, and was kind, encouraging, and supportive when no one else was, can make all the difference.

Did you have one person like that? Then you are lucky. I did too. For me, it was my grandmother. No matter what was happening or how I was feeling, being around her or at her house, I felt safe. She was the only person I remember in my teen years that would sit with me at her kitchen table while I had my meal and talked to me about my life and when she looked at me, I could see and feel the warmth from her love for me. I knew she loved me, no matter what.

This past Sunday, Oprah did a segment for 60 Minutes on the long term impact of trauma and how people are finally realizing both how trauma is showing up all around us and how we go about helping children and adults that have had a rough start in life. It was a powerful segment and I am including a link to it for you here. It includes the 15 minute segment and Oprah's response to it. She shares how this is the most impactful interview she has done of all the thousands of interviews she has done in her career. That is powerful. You don't want to miss it.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/oprah-winfrey-treating-childhood-trauma/

I also want to include here for you a link to the ACE study questionnaire that she talks about and the research that she refers to. It is good for all survivors to understand the impact of our lived experiences. (Link to ACE study questionnaire)

I have written a few blog posts about the ACE study and how important it is. The good news along with Oprah bringing awareness to it, so is the path towards healing.

One of the people she interviews is Dr. Bruce Perry, who has spent years working with children and adults and seeing the difference childhood trauma makes between someone that makes it in life or someone that will struggle for the rest of their lives. He said something very eye-opening in the episode that I wanted to share: "That very same sensitivity that makes you able to learn language just like that as a little infant makes you highly vulnerable to chaos, threat, inconsistency, unpredictability, violence....so children are much more sensitive to developmental trauma than adults."

I love how in under 20 minutes, she manages to highlight what we know about trauma and summarize what helps us all to heal. We heal in relationships, and it only takes one person to make that difference in a persons life.

What communities and organizations that provide services to children and adults are beginning to realize is that we no longer can be asking, "What is wrong with you?" Because there is nothing wrong with any human being. We are all a product of our environments. What we need is to provide trauma informed care and and instead, start asking people that are struggling, "What happened to you?" and offer them a safe place to share.

If you are interested in learning more about Trauma Informed Care, then please Google what organizations in your state are already implementing procedures centered around this important concept and way of helping.

And, lastly, if there is a person in your life that is being challenged by their life circumstances, stop judging, offering advice, or trying to fix them. Be a safe person that understands the importance of caring, kind, and compassionate presence while your friend is navigating life the best they can. We can all offer helpful advice but someone that offers a kind, calm, understanding heart, is priceless.

I am so grateful that this important information is reaching more people and more importantly, reaching the people that need it most, people like you and me. People that have been hurt and are in need of helpful information that gives us the language to better understand ourselves and how to ask for help.

After trauma, we need help and a lot of it. Now more people are bringing help to the places where traumatized children and adults live and work. And that is the change we need, finally to look past troubled behaviors (coping), recognizing the person hurting, ask what happened and offer caring support.

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Got your ACE score? Now what? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($125). Let me help you understand the impact, and how to start your healing journey. You deserve it! Reserve your spot NOW!

Have you read my new book, “Releasing Your Authentic Self”? If you’re ready to do the deep, hard work of emotional healing, this book is for YOU!! You’ll find it at Amazon in paperback (link) or Kindle (link). Enjoy and happy reading!

Are you looking for more support? I have created a closed Facebook group for the readers of “Releasing Your Authentic Self” If you are ready to dig deep, and want to experience the daily support, encouragement from others like you. Follow this link to learn more: Releasing Your Authentic Self Support Group.

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Why Am I Not Moving Forward in My Healing?

Why Learning Self-Care Is One of the Most Rewarding Lessons

A Follow Up to Oprah's 60 Minute Segment on Childhood Trauma

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