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How To Be Seen AND Heard

8/29/2016

3 Comments

 
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Remember how it used to be?  When you were an abused child, you learned the advantages of silence.  In fact, you were so quiet, you hoped you would disappear.  

The goal was to stay off the radar of the people who were hurting you.  You learned how to creep down the stairs, quiet as a mouse.  You could slip silently out of a room.  You would stand in the shadows in a dark corner.  You even hunched your shoulders to appear smaller.  

If your abusers couldn’t see you, they couldn’t blast you with hurtful words or do painful things to you, right?  It was a great survival strategy, and it worked really well.  However, it’s a terrible behavior pattern for an adult, because silence makes a mess out of personal relationships.    

The most important thing survivors of emotional abandonment, abuse, and trauma want is to be seen and heard.  We all crave it.  Nothing means more to us than someone who truly listens to us and gets us.  It validates us as human beings.  

That’s why one terribly damaging form of emotional abuse is constantly interrupting, changing the subject, or negating everything someone says.  This kind of abuse invalidates that person’s existence and encourages the toxic strategy of silence.

Even so, it’s hard for child abuse survivors to learn how to be visible as adults.  Believe me, I resisted for a long time.  It felt like rocking the boat.  We’re so used to abusers twisting everything we say to use it against us.  It’s terrifying for us to ask for what we need or to enforce personal boundaries when we weren’t allowed to practice these vital human skills as children.  

What can you do to change that?  You can begin slowly by speaking up, one conversation, one thought, one opinion at a time.  Do this with people you know are safe, like your peer support group.  

Eventually, you’ll stop waiting for the other shoe to drop every time you say something.  Speak a little more of your truth each time until you’re comfortable with it.  In the process, you’ll learn how to listen to others and allow them to be who they are in a relationship.  

You’re a valuable spirit of the Divine.  You deserve to be seen AND heard.  This is your chance.  Go for it!!
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Are you having a hard time becoming visible again?  Does it make you nervous to be seen and heard?  If so, I can help you overcome this.  Just email me at svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me.  My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait.  Let me help you heal your life.  Reserve your spot NOW!

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3 Comments
Wendy Klemin link
8/31/2016 10:58:30 am

Thank you for your article. What do I need to do to get a 1 hour session with you? Is there a charge? Wendy

Reply
Svava
9/1/2016 03:47:23 am

You are welcome Wendy. I just saw your email and sent you a reply. I am happy to schedule a session with you. Look forward to connecting soon. Much Love.

Reply
Kristina
9/2/2016 03:11:07 am

Thank you very much, Svava, for this great article.
The silence steps deep into my memories and it really hurts. I was the home-based, my room-based kid. I told moreover only to books and to myself. The silence was normal. I was not seen, not heard, not reflected -mentally, emotionally. When I sum up my adulthood, it was not that different. I was the providor of others, but I was not operating from my true self (because I don´t know, did not have the chance to develop it). I choose people (or they had chosen me in my unconsciousness) who were not willing to reflect upon me, to give me the benefit of seeing me. I am invisible to myself. I must be invisible to others (not abusers, they found me usually pretty safely). My search for who I am, my identity has started several years ago, and I am more aware that it is not a fun stuff, but that I truly had lost myself long time ago. 4 weeks ago a little miracle happened: one of the last friends they stayd visited me. We talked about topics I would be usually rejected by the society I live in...they had compassion with me in my sickness, they got it. They understood that I am not competetent to e.g. physically visite them...and that it is a long-term issue (I did not receive that compassion, understand or support by any health care professional in the area I live since my disease started). I felt seen, heard. There was some heart connection. I was more opened, they allowed me to be heard and seen, I could have felt safe. There was a connection, both sides. I was crying with gratitude when they left (I did not allow me still to cry when they were there), but it was a difficult situation for boths (as they live far away and it might take years to eventually see ever again, and my health is not so good..).
I noticed how my mother, who was for few moments around, pushed them away. How she does not wish that my vulnerability and being seen is wanted, supported. She did not invited them in. It is a big sign: there are people (or had been my all life) around me who have this emotional-pulling at me and keep me imprisoned, not heard, not seen x there are people who I can feel vulnerable, I can open my emotions and be my more authentic me (which could assist me on my healing journey).
Being invisible - to me, even sometimes cats don´t notice when I come....people don´t hear me when I talk, I am so silent, I look as "everybody else" -as cousin of somebody....so silent, as non-existing.
It makes sense that if my abuser cannot see me, he cannot hurt me. Thank you, Svava. I did not know this.
I mainly hide my emotional vulnerability, kindness, empathy, deep emotions....and my intellect, organisation capacity, being able to decide my life, to lead and change...instead I am living in the world of the 7 dwarfs of Snow White, of "naive" child.
Thinking about these issues brings up the memory of the abuse in the psychotherapy -where I was practically sarcastically bullied: nothing as validation, listening to me, helping me to find out my true self after the complex-life crush.
So much different that being seen and hold in safety by those friends !
Much Love

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Educate4Change
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