Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Is Your Family Unsupportive of Your Healing Journey?

11/7/2016

If so, you’re not alone. I can still remember how I was ridiculed by those closest to me when I began my healing journey.

It’s incredible how insensitive our family can be when we choose to heal. It threatens the toxic world they work hard to maintain, so they say hurtful things to us like:

Why can’t you just get over it?!
I don’t think talking about it helps.
You’re being overly dramatic.
You’re the only one who remembers it that way.
Isn’t it time you stopped talking about it and moved on with your life?
You think too much.

Healing from abuse is a long-term process. Some healing changes happen quickly. But lasting change takes time to sink deep into your heart and create a major shift in your focus. This is the kind of healing change that helps you understand why toxic family members feel threatened by your commitment to your healing journey. Their negative reaction isn’t about you. It’s about them.

Choosing YOU takes courage. When you commit to putting yourself first, it makes toxic family members uncomfortable. Why? Because any time you honor your truth, you’re unknowingly asking them to question their truth.

Some will feel threatened by that. You’re facing what they don’t have the courage to face: inner demons. Others will celebrate and support your commitment. When you choose to heal, you’re choosing YOU. Healing starts the minute you do this. It’s the first step.

The second step is choosing the right support system. Of course, the wrong support system will be those in your family who feel threatened by your decision to change. They have no desire to do that. Change (even the good kind) terrifies them.

Dealing with toxic, unsupportive family members is an excellent opportunity to practice mercy (love in action). These people are critical of your healing journey because they haven’t found their truth yet, and you have. Their negative reaction to you isn’t about you. It’s about them. Always show them mercy, but never allow them to sabotage your healing.

Keep reaching out. Keep telling your story. Keep building a nourishing support system. Keep moving forward on your healing journey. Now you can be what you needed when you were a frightened child. Now you can be there for YOU!!
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7 Comments

Peggy link

11/8/2016 08:18:32 am

Svava, I have heard every one of these over and over. I didn't realize what was going on. It was always that I was just wrong and I've spent my life feeling wrong about everything and questioning myself and my feelings. Thank you for this helpful post. Peggy

Svava

11/9/2016 01:22:12 pm

I hear you friend. I am glad it was helpful. It took a long time to put together the pieces. Part of it is to start to question others, not just ourselves. I do a lot of asking myself, is this me or them. My heart always knows the truth. Keep going, you are doing great.

Joan

11/8/2016 02:02:39 pm

Hi Svava, I've encountered these messages many times and it always feels hurtful to me, as if they are heartless. Can you elaborate on how to "show them mercy"? Thank you.

11/9/2016 01:33:50 pm

You are not alone my friend. The only way they can protect themselves from feeling their truth is to question your courageous work, or put it down. It is the human condition to do that. When I understood they did not/could not or would not, I could finally choose me. I remind myself over and over that I deserve to be respected/honored/valued/validated and it is ok if they can't give that to me. Show them mercy by stop asking them for something they can't do, and protect myself, try not to engage with, those that will lash out if my work hits to close to their home/wounding. I send them love and light but have boundaries about what they can say to me. I have had to say NO to them wanting to give me suggestions, feedback etc. I have said: I love you but for right now because of what I am going through I can not be in connection with you you/relationship with you. I am doing this out of respect and honoring of myself and I trust that down the road if we are meant to be close again that it will naturally sort itself out. Another way to think about this is I had to step up and become the protector to my inner child that she needed. Especially around those close family members. My wounded self would do whatever to have their love. Not me. So now I listen to her, and because of my love for myself, I will not let the hurt her, I can have a boundary and still send them love. I hope this makes sense. Great question Joan. Thank you!!

Kris

11/9/2016 01:43:21 pm

Hi Svava,

Great post.

I remember when I first started my recovery I told my mother that the reason why I am having so many difficulties in my adulthood stems from what happened to me in my childhood where her response to me was “if you only would have listened to your father and me then you wouldn’t be having all of these problems right now.” When I asked her to go to therapy with me she said “I am me. No one is going to change me”. She shut that door of opportunity to heal right in front of my face so I left her behind and 4 years later I am still leaving her behind. When I discovered a healthier way of living I just wanted to share it with her. She didn’t want any parts of it due to her own fears and insecurities getting in the way just like you mentioned in your post.

I demonstrate mercy by not sinking down to the same dirty level that my FOO does to me. I demonstrate mercy when I still send each one of them a Christmas and birthday card despite what they have done to me because that’s just who I am…no longer out of some sick feeling of obligation that I have towards them because now I know that that isn’t love at all, it is a means of control…by them! I no longer enable them period. And I do all of this by staying the heck away from them because to be around them wouldn’t be showing my own self the love and respect that I deserve.

I read 1 Corinthians 13 when I need a little reminder of what love should be and what it should not.

Peace,
Kris

11/9/2016 03:05:35 pm

Thank you Kris. Thank you for sharing and I acknowledge you for being the change and for being clear about honoring who you are and your truth. You are doing a beautiful job. Thank you again!!

Catherine

11/18/2016 02:02:00 pm

Bravo bravo. To all of this!

Is Your Family Unsupportive of Your Healing Journey?

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