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Pay Attention to Your Red Flags!

5/30/2016

2 Comments

 
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Last week, I not only talked about how to love yourself but also how to love others.  Love and trust go hand in hand, especially for survivors of child sexual abuse.   

Trust is all about recognizing and paying attention to your inner warning system: red flags.  In order to survive your abusive past you had to disconnect from the truth.  You didn’t feel safe.  You didn’t trust the adults around you.  This was your truth.  But, even though you were up to your eyeballs in red flags, you had to ignore them to survive that abusive situation.  Eventually, this became one of your toxic coping skills.

However, now that you’re an adult, it’s time to “reactivate” your internal warning system.  Red flags are there for your protection.  Yes, it’s important to learn how to truly love yourself and others.  But that doesn’t mean everyone you meet is safe and worthy of your trust.

How do you learn to pay attention again?  What can you do if you’ve ignored your red flags for so long you don’t notice them?  

Don’t worry.  You may not notice all your red flags, but you do notice some.  Unfortunately, you’re in the toxic habit of reasoning them away.  When a red flag pops up you say, “Oh, I just imagined that” or “Oh, he/she isn’t THAT scary” or “I’m not happy about how he just hurt me, but he probably won’t do it again.”

No, you didn’t just imagine that.  Yes, he/she is that scary.  Yes, he probably will hurt you again.  Stop ignoring those warnings.  The minute a red flag appears over someone’s behavior, pay careful attention to it.  Your internal warning system is built on discernment (noticing red flags) and setting firm, healthy boundaries with the people in your life.  

Boundaries define the difference between your responsibilities as an adult and other people’s responsibilities as adults.  Everyone is supposed to do their part.  If someone crosses one of your boundaries or pressures you to cross a boundary, that’s a red flag.  

You can learn this.  It just takes time.  A good place to start is in an abuse survivor group, where you can practice reactivating your internal warning system.  Or if you have questions about red flags or setting healthy boundaries, let me know.  I’m here for you.  Always!
                                                          ********
Are you struggling with setting boundaries or noticing “red flags”?  I can help.  Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me.  My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait.  Let me help you heal your life.  Reserve your spot NOW!

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2 Comments
Bow wagner
5/31/2016 02:07:40 pm

wonderful

Reply
Kristina
6/2/2016 06:03:45 am

Yes, wonderful post ! Thank you, Svava.
I have lots of warning red flags since the onset of the PTDS. Before, I was "blind", naive. It makes so much sense to me to hear that this "naivity" are the coping mechanism that helped me to survive in childhood. It took me long time and it still does to acknowledge that not everybody is safe (I have a big resistance against this reality).
I love to hear it (I am not weirdo, my warning system is here to protect me). I thought I was too scary, I make things up. Past 6 months, I consciously try to let go of everything and everybody that does not feel safe in order to create some true space for healing for me, and it works ! One of the best things I did is to leave the therapist. I did not feel safe, but I rationalised that "he means well", "he uses some old-fashioned method, but it is still ok". Slowly, I developped huge anxiety toward this therapist. He was not about to harm me physically or in any other way, but he was harsh, perhaps emotionally not all right, perhaps too judgmental: my warning system was up, I did not understand why, and thus, I shut it down. It was too scarey to leave "my only chance for help". I´d like to pay more and more attention to this warning system and be thankful to it, but not get myself override.

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Svava Brooks
Educate4Change
Dedicated to Ending the Cycle of Child Sexual Abuse
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