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What Can You Do About Toxic Relationships?

9/18/2016

5 Comments

 
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Attachment is a tricky concept for the survivors of child abuse.  There are three kinds of attachment: healthy attachment, toxic attachment, and non-attachment.  All can be very confusing for us!

Connection is a basic emotional need.  We connect through healthy attachments.  For example, if you grew up in a loving, supportive family, you were respected for your unique individuality.  This taught you to form healthy attachments (relationships) with others when you became an adult.

But we didn’t have that.  We grew up in toxic, dysfunctional, abusive families, where we were punished or hurt for our individuality.  This trained us to put up with abuse and to deny our individuality to satisfy others.  It taught us to form toxic attachments as adults.

Yikes!!

Part of the healing journey is learning how to form healthy attachments, a skill we were never taught as children.  The first step is to accept the reality of your current relationships.  Do these people treat you poorly?  Do you hope they’ll see the light one day and decide to be nicer to you, to recognize your value and worth, to celebrate your individuality, and to be more loving to you?  If so, this is a toxic attachment.  

The second step is to pull back from all the toxic attachments in your life.  You must deal with your inner child before you can set healthier ground rules with toxic people.  Take the time to gently help your inner child understand you’re not here to parent or protect them.  

The third step is to practice non-attachment with toxic people.  Set firm, healthy boundaries with no emotional attachment to how they choose to react or what they do.

You can’t change other people.  That’s not your responsibility.  Your job is to become the awesome individual you were born to be.  Some of the people you’re attached to right now will value that.

Others won’t.  Toxic attachments hinder your healing journey.  Sometimes the best course of action is to leave these relationships.  Don’t feel bad about that.  We all have to do it eventually.

********
Are you struggling with toxic relationships?  I can help.  Just send me an email to svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me.  My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait.  Let me help you heal your life.  Reserve your spot NOW!

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5 Comments
michelle
9/20/2016 10:37:26 am

Thank you for all your support!
I didn't understand this statement "Take the time to gently help your inner child understand you’re not here to parent or protect them".

All the Inner Bonding I'm doing lately seems to encourage our loving self to parent and protect our inner child so the inner child can feel heard and grow and advance?

Thank you for any input!!

Reply
Michelle
9/21/2016 01:58:19 pm

You are welcome - You are right on that. I am talking about letting your inner child know it is not their job to parent or protect your partner or other people, just your own inner child.

Hope this makes sense. Thank you for asking.

Reply
Svava
9/21/2016 01:58:59 pm

oops put in your name for mine Michelle. hugs.

Kristina
9/22/2016 01:04:13 pm

Thank you, Svava. Brilliant article. Very helpful.
So true, I had been punished for trying to be my true identity. I did not know. I thought I was punished for being something "wrong".
It makes sense that I make toxic connections, similar to those in family (I don´t know any better), and those treat me the same :
I am being punished to want to be me, to develop my identy.
The punishment is usually starts with not being seen, validated, heard ...on purpose, or just out of no-good fit,
but I cannot see it. I think that the more I try, the more I will be seen, heard, validated, reflected, cared for....
I like the definition of toxic relationship. It totaly works -
1)they treat me poorly,
2) I hope that things will change and they will see my worth one day ( I love the "celebrate myself")....and I did it for others because this is who I am.

Pull back from the toxic relationship: it is hard. I am parenting them, I am protecting those people (they want it from me). I guess that until I will not see myself, value myself, I will not be good at stop parenting and protecting others (I read that often, one needs help of others to be seen, validated...like some professionals or coaches). Hardly friends, partners will not do it for me in a consistent way.
It is a false hope of mine.

Non-attachement, no emotional attachement to how they choose to react to me.
This is difficult. My first imprint is the one with my borderline-narcs. mother. I trained her to respect my boundaries, but I am still trying to protect, parent her and I have reactions to her silent treatments, rage, love-bombing (even though she does not show it anymore, she does not allow it anymore). Esp. difficult for me when I say no to something . I guess the deepest fear is the one of abandonment,
to be alone, without any human connection (as my mother trained me).

I stay too nice for too long in order to prevent all these horrible feelings I know from the abuse.

Nevertheless, past 4 years, I left most of my "friends", my very toxic ex. Almost my entire family, the political system, the health care, the abusive therapists, the national-identity.
This year is a year of "leaving" the toxic, non-serving things.
Letting go. I start to like it. My new motto could be "leave with ease" :-)

Reply
Patrice
10/8/2016 11:45:21 am

Bravo Kristina!

I admire you. I'm in a similar boat with a full blown narc sister, that I've permanently removed from my life, & a few "friends" from my former "church". Also, my mother, I believe also has narcissistic traits. The problem is, she uses my sick father as my "admission price" to remain in her life. Oh the blackmail! Sadly for him..but..They are the epitome of codependency.
I've recently been diagnosed with cPTSD & I'm 45. Just beginning my healing journey.

Good luck and take care.

PS. I'd be available to email with, if ever you'd want to.

Reply



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