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What Do You Need to Hear the Most?

10/2/2016

15 Comments

 
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I don’t know about you, but after struggling for years with the devastating effects of abuse and trauma, this is what I needed to hear the most.  And I needed to hear it over and over again until I believed it:

  1. You can heal.
  2. You can restore.

How about you?  What do you need to hear the most?

It’s sad how desperately we struggle with the emotional pain caused by abuse.  In fact, the emotional and psychological abuse from these people, whom I loved and trusted, did more damage to me than the physical abuse.  

But I found a way to heal and restore, and so can you.  It begins with surrounding yourself with people you trust.  People who value you and your truth.  

In the beginning, I didn’t know how to do this.  I didn’t know who to trust, or what trust looked like.  I kept thinking if I changed the abusive people around me they would eventually see my worth and apologize for what they had done to me.  Then they would hold me, support me, and encourage me.  

Of course, this never happened.  Abusive people don’t suddenly wake up one day and see your value.  It doesn’t work that way.    

Instead, I had to do something that’s really hard for abuse survivors.  I had to cut all the toxic people out of my life.  Yikes!  But it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your healing.

Toxic people may never change.  It’s not your responsibility to heal them.  And you can’t heal yourself when surrounded by toxic people.  They’re incapable of supporting you or telling you the things you need to hear.  

Your only responsibility is to do what’s healthy for YOU.  That means surrounding yourself with good people who validate your worth, understand you, and support your healing journey.  They’re the only ones who can cheer you on and say the things you need to hear the most, over and over again.  Best of all, they mean those things.  They truly care.  

That’s how I healed myself.  I didn’t need fixing, and neither do you.  You just need validation and acceptance.  Cut all the toxic people out of your life.  Surround yourself with good, caring, supportive people.  Then you can heal yourself.  

********
Are you struggling with how to cut toxic people out of your life?  Don’t allow them to cause more emotional pain!  I can help.  Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me.  My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait.  Let me help you heal your life.  Reserve your spot NOW!

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15 Comments
Denise
10/4/2016 09:12:23 am

Although these are not the words I need, I respect those who do need these words.

"Toxic people may never change. It’s not your responsibility to heal them. And you can’t heal yourself when surrounded by toxic people. They’re incapable of supporting you or telling you the things you need to hear."

This paragraph jumped out to me. I'm living with both a toxic teen (in anger mgmt counseling) & toxic spouse verging on divorce as soon as household economics improve. The waiting is the hardest part. Left feeling very unloved, especially from ragging teen (causing PTSD from ragging parent & CSA).

Feeling lost.

Reply
Svava
10/4/2016 03:27:02 pm

Hi Denise - I hear you - Be gentle with yourself and focus in excellent self care and self-compassion. Are you in the close Facebook group? Find people that can support you while you are navigating this time in the journey. Take time for you sweet woman - you deserve peace and you deserve rest. Keep the faith that all things come to an end and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Know that your heart will find its way. I believe in you. Let me know i you need more support. Blessings.

Reply
Denise
10/5/2016 09:10:02 am

Thank you Svava.

Denise
10/13/2016 05:34:53 am

Lost my belived dog last night unexpectedly. Trying not to let the loneliness consume me.

Claudia
10/4/2016 09:55:39 am

Thank you! The words I need to hear are - you're okay - words that I tell myself, as needed. It's a gift to oneself to take a vacation from bad/unhealthy situations! At first, taking one was not so clear to me. Once I got in touch with me, that I & my personal goals were the priority, I was finally able to do so. It takes guts!

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Svava
10/4/2016 03:30:46 pm

You are welcome - Glad you found your way to make you a priority - It takes courage for sure - You are doing awesome. You are ok, you will be ok, you are ok now!! ps. you are more than ok you are loved and appreciated. Sending you love and thank you for sharing. <3

Reply
Stanley Weaver link
10/4/2016 09:58:59 am

How can I separate myself from a co-worker that I have to work with on a daily basis and more important how do I separate myself from my own daughter who is constantly negative even if there is good in her life? I feel so bad for her.

Reply
Svava
10/4/2016 03:50:02 pm

Hi Stanley,
I hear you - this is a tough situation. With your co-worker know that his negative energy is not about you - and you can't change him. I don't think you are trying to, but just starting that here - When I have had a really hard times with close friends and family - I ask God to show them to me through his eyes, pray for them, send them love and light, while protecting me from their words/energy. If you can speak up and ask for what you need, set a boundary to minimize your contact. In the long term sometimes this forces people to change jobs if it is toxic and not sustainable - I also hope your daughter outgrows this. Many young adults do. Sending you love and light. Hang in there.

Reply
Kim
10/4/2016 06:11:40 pm

What I needed to hear that I never got from my family of origin...
1) I am so sorry this happened to you.
2) I believe you. (Instead of...if it ever even happened at all; you need to just get over it, many people were abused and are doing just fine; you are too sensitive; why are you bringing this up now?
3) I am here for you and I support you. Instead of...don't talk to me about it, I'm too old to deal with it.

Reply
Fiona Robson
10/5/2016 05:04:37 am

Exactly Kim, you have put years of subconscious wishing into words, thank you. It is validating to read as I thought I was hoping for too much. Not waiting for it anymore. Thank you Svava for your wisdom and warmth. Only wish my sister could have hung in there and broken free from toxic psychiatrist to learn how to heal too.

Reply
Kim
10/5/2016 06:21:19 am

Fiona, coming to terms with the fact that my family of origin would never say the words I wanted to hear was factually the most devastating experience of my life. I was in deep crisis in my late 40's trying to finally put my CSA behind me. Their alliance for the perpetrators was almost too much to bare. But, I painstakingly did my work, but it required me to make a "no contact" policy. I did write letters to explain why, but no dialogue, just the usual holiday cards with "Love, said Family members". What they expected was to go back to "normal" but never speaking about it. I could not do that. It had to be addressed, I needed/wanted them to hear me out & be validated. Sadly, that was not to be forthcoming. Yet, they would triangulate & discuss it, but not with me. So cruel! I walked away to heal on my own, but while doing so, I learned that I could live without the toxicity. I did not realize just how invigorating & healing the peace & calm could be. And as I grow older, I crave it as well as the respect for boundaries. There was none growing up. The scars that remain is in the form of PTSD. I know my limitations & when to pull back & grab my essential oils & yoga mat. It's all good! : )

Svava
10/11/2016 10:23:44 pm

You are welcome - Glad you are here and sharing <3 You are the one you are waiting for. Sending you love.

Svava
10/11/2016 10:22:16 pm

I hear you Kim! I am so sorry that this happened to you and that they did not believe you and support you in a way that you needed.

So inspiring to hear how you found your peace and know that you are better without them. Yes it does hurt, but over time you found you and your truth. Thank you for sharing. Much Love

Reply
Kristina
10/7/2016 02:58:11 am

Thank you, Svava, for this nice article.
I had been always too much trustworthy, only past years I see that I gave my trust to toxic people. Now, it is the question, how to recognise whether I can trust somebody. I don´t know how to do it. If something does not feel well, I distance myself (as an alcoholic must keep a high standard of trust ?). So far, when I did not distance myself, it did not end up well. I am a "mistrust" indicator.
Just recently, a female friend recontacted me. She dropped me 2 years ago (when I thought to be fine and got a new job, wanted to leave, but some other toxic people pulled me down)...she did not know that I was sick instead of going to have my new life, but she stopped responding out of the blue.
Today, I work hard to see whether the relationship with her was toxic or not, whether I have to give her "another chance". Signs for a good friendship are not there, but it was an "ok friendship" I don´t know about any particular betrayl on me, but also she never shared with me her life, never invited me to share her life (I figured out she had some life only occasionally), and she wanted to be in contact with me.She often said she had no internet when she did not replay back, but I am considering what if it was not true...she forgot my birthday, only after a month or so out of the blue she called me with wishes for my birthday....I saw her disinterest coming (which was actually never there the way I´d like to and how I cheer other people up, it was "cold, shallow" interest).
I am thinking I need people who truly care, cheer me on, tell me things I need to hear (it never happened)... An "ok friendship" where I am not being particually misused, lied to, but I am the girl when she has nobody else (the filler-girl)..it might not be good for me.
I cannot trust her anymore.
It is a conflict. When I was contacted by her again, I felt happy. She apologised for not replaying to my e-mails, but she did not give any reason. She said she´d like to see me, good wishes for me....
It feels strange. Why when last years were not good, why does she suddenly want to have me around ? My mind rationalises, I shall not be that hard on her, not to cut myself out some support...maybe she needs me ! She is alone, she needs my support, my listening to her ! I am a jerk when I hide myself. I am not enough supportive to forgive her silent treatment and open myself to her.
but my feelings and body bells "mistrust"...not good for you. Hard to leave the "ok"-things. Hard to stop taking the responsibility for other people´s well-being. I am afraid that I will not be the good "mother" enough when I don´t react to her request.
I did not replay, I cancelled the e-mail. However, I am still in the temptention to replay, in the hope that something has changed in the friendship, that we will be the good, closer friends I had always yarned for, that we can help ourselves....but I am not sure, maybe it is not the reality.

Reply
Kristina
10/7/2016 03:25:11 am

I was thinking what I would need to hear (so difficult to figure this out !). I guess it would be:
I will help you. I will support you.
I am here for you. I will not leave you. I will not abandon you. You are great. You can come whenever you need to (even when my life gets better or worse).
I will check whether I ever had such friends, support (family not)...
I honestly guess I did not.
Only recently, few friends I did not have so much time for, but who were always around me, seem to be truly supportive, even these are just e-mails -good enough for me. I feel trust.

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Svava Brooks
Educate4Change
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