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What To Do If You Feel Unlovable

10/16/2016

3 Comments

 
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It's impossible to love others if you can't love yourself fully and completely.  That's just how love works.  I mean, you can't give away what you don't have, right?

If you struggle with being loving to yourself, that simply means you don't know what real love looks like, or how it's supposed to feel.  Many of us grew up this way because we were abused as children.  All we saw was a highly toxic, distorted form of "love," which wasn't real love at all. 

If that sounds like your childhood, I know how you feel.  Expressing love was so hard for me, it was infuriating!  But if I can learn how to do it, so can you.  Learning how to truly love is the most important gift you can give to yourself and the world. 

Begin by applying self-compassion.  What do I mean by that?  Basically, self-compassion is the courage to connect completely with the parts of yourself you don’t like, or you’ve never wanted to acknowledge.  Those parts you’re so ashamed of that you’ve always kept them hidden.

One by one, I had to face these parts of myself I’d rejected.  Those were the parts I’d held responsible for all the bad things that had happened to me.  They were the parts I thought deserved the abuse.  

I made friends with them, saw them through the eyes of God, and finally brought them back into my core self.  Applying self-compassion and learning how to love these hidden parts taught me what real, unconditional love felt like.  It showed me the difference between healthy love and toxic love.

When I could finally love and accept every part of myself, an amazing thing happened.  I fell in love with who I am, and the person I’ve become.  I no longer need to hide any part of myself.  No part of me is bad.  No part of me is shameful.  No part of me deserves to be abused.

Through this process I discovered I’m a kind, compassionate, caring, loving, supportive, silly (yes, I am!!) human being.  I’m a wonderful work-in-progress.  Still learning, still growing, but loving every step and the unique individual I’m becoming.

Who are you?  Apply self-compassion to those parts of yourself you’ve always kept hidden, and let’s find out!
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Do you feel unlovable today?  Are you struggling to love the parts of yourself you’ve always kept hidden from the world?  Don’t worry.  I can help.  Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me.  My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait.  Let me help you heal your life.  Reserve your spot NOW!

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3 Comments
Peggy link
10/18/2016 07:20:05 am

Fortunately, I had a few significant adults as a child who gave me a clue about being loved and accepted for who I am. But the core wound and predominant issue from other significant people seem to have led to my lifetime of behaviors of hiding and not loving myself. My children have helped me understand what Svava is saying here, because when I think of how I feel about myself, I then ask myself how I would feel or respond to my own child with the same issues, and I realize how much I love them and just adore them and accept them, then try to apply those same feelings and actions to myself. It goes to the heart of learning how to take care of my little girl. I unknowingly modeled it by the way I feel about and treat my own children, and it has helped me parent myself today.

Reply
Svava
10/22/2016 04:08:45 pm

Thank you for sharing Peggy - It only takes one person for us to know that someone did love us. But the others, will still do damage. So many survivors will learn to love by giving it to our children first. I did that too, then I recognized that I needed to love and care for myself the way I did my children. The good news is that it is never to late to start to parent ourselves. Much Love.

Reply
Kristina
10/19/2016 04:48:34 am

I have had the problem to connect with my trauma anger, the developpmental anger, abuse anger...whatever anger.
In my childhood, besided the abuse, I was not allowed to express my anger. I shut it down completely. I saw my grandmother being a highly angry, hurtful person. I did not want to be that bitchy as she. I was never angry. I never knew that my boundaries are being crossed and that I should be angry in order to protect myself.
I completely splitted off the anger of my emotional repertoir.
I did not like angry people. If somebody would raise his voice against me or be angry, I´d run, I´d be scared, I´d die.
But most typically, I was in toxic relationships, and the only thing I did was to "appease their anger", by being polite, the good-girl (but I thought it was ok this way, I was not aware of the toxicity for me of the relationships).
I remember a guy friend of mine who probably expected to be in a relationship with him, but he never asked me out or anything (and I was not interested in him as in a romantic partner) started to be sarcastic, condescending to me, even somehow passively aggressive, esp. in showed up in the last meeting with him where he drove me to some place (I paid -and this made him angry).
He stopped talking to me, the strange, violance silence, he set me down at me destination, beated with the car -door and left, without saying any goodbuy. It made me finally angry.
Today, I love to acknowledge the anger in me.

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