Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

When I’m Distracted, I’m Disconnected

4/10/2016

When I was young, all I wanted was to feel connected, to feel like I belonged. I wanted to be understood, seen, and heard. This is important to every child, but especially to those of us who grew up in abusive homes.

To fill that void, I overcompensated at school. I became an athlete, very competitive and good at sports. It was the perfect outlet for the chaos swirling around inside me from the abuse. Sports gave me a way to turn those explosive emotions into running faster or jumping higher.

Emotional abandonment is very painful. Abused children have to find a way to disconnect from the pain in order to survive it. What worked best for me was to stay distracted. I made sure I was so busy there wasn’t time to think or feel.

For example, I didn’t excel at just one sport. I participated in as many sports as I could. In college, I didn’t have just one part-time job. I had three.

My healing journey made me realize distraction is a toxic coping skill. It’s how I learned to deal with any kind of discomfort. My subconscious immediately wants to dull that pain by distracting itself.

But I don’t allow it to do that anymore. Now when I feel the need to do too much, I make myself slow down. I remain intentional about each day, week, task, and conversation.

That’s how I stay connected to myself and everything in life. It forces me to focus on what I’m doing in the present moment and prevents subconscious distractions, like worrying about all the other tasks I need to tackle.

I’ve even written this on a sticky note and attached it to a wall I see often: When I’m Distracted, I’m Disconnected. If distraction is one of your toxic coping skills, try it. It’s a visual reminder that works!

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5 Comments

Michelle

4/12/2016 09:04:50 am

I also suffer from the aftermath of emotional abandonment since a very young child by my parents and I am still experiencing it in adulthood, now from my siblings. History repeats itself! My survival mode has also been to fill my plate with so many things to do in order to distract myself from the pain. On one hand, it has helped me to be successful, but on the other hand, it is now causing me to be overwhelmed. I'm working on mindfulness and it makes such a difference. Thanks for your encouraging and confirming words!

Svava

4/12/2016 02:18:21 pm

Dear Michelle, Thank you for sharing - yes it keeps repeating itself because it is trying to heal or make sense of it all. I am so glad you are using mindfulness and it is helping you - trust your process and your path. Glad this helped you. Much Love to you.

Kristina

4/13/2016 02:46:28 am

Thank you for this helpful post, Svava !
I was very active child and young adult -in studying, reading, working for the family (in the house, in the garden). I was managing so many things as 2-3 adults would not do. I was a super-child.
I learned several foreign languages on my own (I am passionate about), studied two degrees...these were things I loved, I gave it to myself. I did other heroic things (be self-sufficient financially, having scholarships, transporting myself to the school on a bike for a long distance, no matter if rain or frost). I was also never ill. I was doing gymnastics almost every day and some dance (if I had the chance to go to some afternoon classes, I would have done that). I was on the go. And I loved that. However, when some not so nice people came into my life, suddenly I started to slow down, to be overwhelmed, unproductive, then I was infected by an infection I did not recover yet from...and stopped working. I am at the beginning of my discovery and healing journey about trauma from childhood (severe chronic emotional abuse, but also physical trauma). I forgot all of that, I dissociated from my body, from my emotions and the doing kept me enough distracted, and also happy, in control of my life. At least I had something, some joy (and survived that). Today, I have hard time to figure out who I am, what I want (although it is not so far away what I did, I still loved those things) and I see that I cannot do so much, I can only do 1-2 things a day not to be overwhelmed. I also discovered that many of the things I did, I did for others, the family... If I let go of it, I´d be 50% more free my own life. Maybe the life is more about going deep, than doing a big quantity. I sometimes wonder who I would have been if I lived in a loving family, a non-abusive one, if I had not suffered the physical non-recognised trauma. I would have probably not been that active, but doing something more in depth, feeling safe in who I am, who I am developping into,connecting to my emotions, my body on daily basis, developping much clearer purpose of my life which would reflect in what I was doing. something.
Currently I am afraid that all my passions, my work, my capacity to contribute something, to have a job I love, had gone. I watch people and see how some are very active, but others not -still doing their job. They are different people. I am the one "super-fast", multitasking, but in my postraumatic disease, I became the opposite, sick. I judge myself for it, I am afraid that I will never be able to work again, to my true self (which I believe is active, not passive)...and I am thankful for this information, for the understanding, for not being alone in it.
I sincerely hope that I can still doing stuff, working (which I love) and not being overwhelmed one day.

4/17/2016 08:13:07 pm

Hi Kristina, Thank you for your sharing. You are not alone my friend. I know many high functioning, successful survivors. I understand your struggle. Take this time to reflect as you are learning to slow your body and mind down to heal itself. Yes, in my experience life (and healing) is about doing less, focus and integrate what you are learning. You will be able to work again and contribute in a meaningful way - Your passion for it and curiosity will keep you going. Focus on staying hopeful and connected to other survivors that are starting to thrive and in so doing reconnecting with who they are and what they like to do. You are doing exactly what you need to do to get there. Don't give up - I believe in you. Don't judge yourself, you will find the balance and who you are! Please let me know if I can support you in any way. Sending you much Love!!

4/22/2016 04:54:58 am

Thank you so much for your support and hopeful, kind words of wisdom, Svava ! I feel so much more hofeful that healing is possible ! Much love !
P.S. Thank you a lot for the offer of support ! I am very grateful.
I am currently thinking about a trauma orientated therapy, (so far I did not get the therapist well) or eventually any support group of survivals, if you knew any webpages or links on the trauma-therapists or support survival groups, I would be grateful.

When I’m Distracted, I’m Disconnected

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