Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Who Am I?

9/2/2016

“If I’m not depressed, anxious, lonely, grieving, angry, frustrated, perfect, or taking care of someone else, who am I?”

I love it when my clients progress far enough on their healing journey to ask this question!

As you begin to feel better on the inside, your outside world will change. For example, you’re more mindful of how you feel in different situations and how people relate to you. Suddenly, this is the question you’re asking yourself. For the first time in your life you don’t know who you are, and that’s a very good sign!

Healing will change the dynamic of all your relationships. There will be those who applaud the progress you’re making on your healing journey. Others will feel threatened by it and attack.

Those are the people who were invested in your pain, because they benefited from it in some way. They remind you subconsciously of the emotional abusers from your past. The wounded soul inside you attracted these people into your life. It wanted them to love and understand you. It wanted them to make it all better.

This is how your traumatized subconscious is attempting to write a happy ending to the past. Unfortunately, it never works. Most emotional abusers have no desire to change.

Yet, these people are a gift and a blessing. It’s true! They come into your life for a certain amount of time to show you what you need to heal in yourself. Then they give you plenty of challenging opportunities to practice setting emotional boundaries, speaking your truth, and asking for what you need. They may not be in your life forever. But they always appear at the right time.

How can you tell you’re living your truth? When you’re the same person with everyone. No more people-pleasing. No more codependent behavior. No more masks to wear. There’s no need for these crutches. Your heart is free. You’ve reached the point where you know who you are, and you’re incredibly proud of it. Congratulations!
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Are you having trouble figuring out who you are becoming? Are you still dealing with some toxic relationships in your life? If so, I can help you work through this. Just email me at svava@educate4change.com to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

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8 Comments

Kristina

9/2/2016 06:30:47 am

I love to hear that it is a good sign not to know who I am, Svava.
I was usually made fun of it. I had urged myself in my thoughts (not in actions) to fit somewhere...but true is that I fitted mainly to people who abused me.
I image sometimes who I will be when I will be healed.
I am not sure whether I could return back to my original job, how I would earn my money, I don´t know anymore what I want -I don´t even know anymore whether I would like to have children, to marry and want to "pursue it" when I were healthy until the "child-bearing" years are not complety "over"....I cannot decide it, now).
I start to feel one clear thing: I don´t want emotional abusers around me. And people who steal my passions, talents, who don´t validate me (or even put me down..).
I would like to have a strong-supporter team around me.
Emotionally validating me, hearing me. It might seem "normal" to people who did not experience the severe trauma.....
It can happen that I will not be socially, financially succesful, have no marriage, children....as I wanted oringinally.
But, it could be also good enough : "who I am" -sensitive in emotions, in body, brainy, passionate, probably caring, compassionate, (maybe I could experience it once as an asset, not as a reason to abuse me).
Last month, the question of my nationality identity hit me.
I was told many not good things about Germany in my family, I was threatened what all bad things will happen to me when I live there (I had all my scholarhips there, I learned so much there and I felt supported, I had friends..). I wished to live there (not in the home country, with mother and family abusers checking on me)...but out of fear, I left. I felt obligated to care for mother, for her family, I felt that when I leave them, I will be betraying them, I will be bad as "Germans are". Somehow in the meantime, I discovered that my grandgrandfather was German, the ethnicum that had lived in middle Europe for centuries, but was expelled after WWII to Germany, property confiscated, many died in the genocide actions. Not with my ancestor, he was allowed to stay, but suffered lots of repercussions /hated in his family/, he lost his property anyway, he died probably in total despair. Not sure how about his other family. They might have gone or been killed. Thus, I figured out that I had been lied, threatened and misleading in my family even in the question of my "ancestor identity". My family must have seen that I had a similar character as him and the threat that I will run away from them to Germany and would be fine there without my abusive family was there.(I could call it an emotional manipulative genocide). The irony is that I was closed many years to my German identity, I had gained those scholarships, I met people who lived those historical events (they found me). I thought it was weird. I did not allow myself to listen to this "identity intuitive feeling" in me. I did not want to be a parasite to Germany, an unwanted immigrant or whoever because "I was not born there", no family connection etc. Basicaly, I am afraid of some repercussions on both sides, and I cannot speak my truth.
I decided to add on my "identity-list" the history of this ancestor and to allow myself to admit that I like to be German (or I would like to) as a part of my deeper identity. If I could, I would like to return there to live my life where I desire to.

Svava

9/10/2016 07:32:23 pm

Kristina, I love your writings. Sounds like you are considering all your options and yes, not knowing who we are, means we are deciding and exploring who we want to be. Like you shared your intuition, knows the truth and wants to be known. I am sorry your identity was used against you to manipulate and scare. That is common but so wrong. Keep exploring who you are and where you want to live. We are the same, no matter what, you have not done anything wrong nor a burden. You are valuable, you are important and you deserve to live where you feel at home, seen and valued. Keep going my friend - you are doing a great job. Much Love.

9/16/2016 02:42:52 am

Thank you so much, Svava.

yvette graham

9/6/2016 10:14:07 am

Hi Svava, much love to you.
This post has come just at the right time, for I keep wondering why I change my voice when Im around differnt people. I realise I do it as Im scared etc but I am healing frm within so I have time now to notice how I interact with others. Also, I am keen to discover the real me, and Im quite excited & Im doing this from a place of love too. Thanks for your post xxxxx

9/10/2016 07:25:56 pm

Thank you for the love Yvette! Glad it found you at the right time. That is awesome that you are becoming aware of it. Be gentle with yourself. this all takes time. Good to hear you are doing it with love. Blessings to you.

Marj B

9/12/2016 01:47:38 pm

This is exactly what I needed today. I had an experience with my past last week, an old love to be exact. I reacted exactly as expected, helped him emotionally, and didn't demand anything as usual. And my heart was broken, once again. I came out of that situation with so much pain, trying not to kick myself for doing exactly what was expected of me, yet empty handed. I look around and find myself searching for something that doesn't work anymore. I even reached out to my ex-husband. I'm so hurt right now that I can't even think, but I know that is because of the simple fact that I HAVE CHANGED. I now question why I continue to keep these relationships that leave me feeling worthless and less than. I want to be able to be proud of myself and love myself. I have made great changes in my relationships with my family and my children and I feel so much better with the boundaries I've established in my home and in my work life, it's my love life that can still bring me to my knees. I don't feel like I know how to make those changes, but I'm being shown each day that it is possible. Thank you so much for your post.

9/12/2016 09:49:24 pm

Sweet Marj B. I hear you and feel your pain. I am so sorry. Be gentle with yourself and take your time to grief and let the hurt out. It is those close relationships that are the hardest for us to maneuver. Sounds like you are well on your way, one part of your life at the time. Keep focusing on your self care and self love, that is how you get there, one day at the time. Stay connected to those that do love, respect and support you, don't give up my friend. I am glad you found some comfort in this blog post today. Much Love to you <3

9/16/2016 02:50:15 am

Hi Marj B. I can relate. I am sorry for your broken heart. I also don´t know how to change yet the fact of me being emotionally used, abused by others and don´t receive much back(ex included). I am observing it, I actually am often not aware that it is happening and what I could receive back (what it is normal). When you have changed so well your other relationship, you have done already so much.

Who Am I?

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