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Why Is It Taking So Long To Heal? Ugh!!

6/5/2016

11 Comments

 
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Survivors often ask me if there’s a way to speed up the healing process.  The fact that the healing journey takes so long can be frustrating, I know.  Especially when you’re exhausted from struggling with the aftereffects of child sexual abuse.  You’re ready to change.  You’re ready to heal.  And you want it NOW!!

I’ve been there.  Trust me.  I used to feel the same way, and I still get impatient from time to time.  However, it’s important to understand the need for “speed” is part of your trauma pattern.  It’s a coping skill you know all too well as a result of the abuse.  

A sense of urgency is part of the “fight or flight” survival response.  It’s how your brain responds to change or a threat.  This is a normal, healthy response.  But, in your case, it became chronic and toxic due to the abuse you endured as a child.  Because of that, when something is uncomfortable (even a good change), you want to push through it quickly.

What I have learned over the years is the good stuff, like incorporating a healthy habit, develops slowly over time.  That’s because good changes occur in stages.

Here’s what I mean.  Change is initially a mental exercise, so the first stage is governed by willpower and excitement.  In the second stage, you create a routine to support this new change, which helps you deal with emotional resistance.

By the time you progress to the third stage, this new change has become a lifestyle.  But that only happens after you confront and resolve each area of resistance you encounter in the second stage.  You must look those fears in the eye, assure your inner child he/she is safe, and convince this child the new change is good.  Only then can you make peace with the resistance and work through it.

See?  There’s no way around it.  This entire process takes time.  You can’t fast-forward through the second stage by leaping from the first stage to the third.  That’s not how it works.  Yes, big changes take months or years.  But that’s the beauty of living in the moment.  Practice mindfulness during this process.  Celebrate each healing stage.  It’s worth it, and so are you!!
                                                               ********
Are you struggling with a sense of urgency and impatience on your healing journey?  I can help you resolve these issues and take the next step.  Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me.  My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait.  Let me help you heal your life.  Reserve your spot NOW!

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11 Comments
Beverly Sartain link
6/7/2016 09:38:27 am

Great message Svava! Always appreciate your perspective, wisdom and example. The healing process is multi-faceted with different layers and levels. I've come to appreciate each of these phases and look for the learning available to my soul in each.

Reply
Svava
6/8/2016 03:09:05 pm

You got it Beverly. There is much learning about ourselves as we go through the layers and levels. I know you are doing a beautiful job honoring your process. Thank you for sharing!

Reply
beverly berzins
6/7/2016 03:48:15 pm

thankyou for the information. i recovered trauamtic memories in 1999 the healing journey is so painfully long and i have neen so ill on the way but the gains are worth it.

Reply
Svava
6/8/2016 03:10:33 pm

You are welcome Beverly. I hear you that is painfully long, and then one day your realize how far you have come and that it was worth it. Thank you for your note - I believe in you. Much Love.

Reply
Laura
6/7/2016 03:55:40 pm

Love this post!! Spot on Svava! <3

Reply
Svava
6/8/2016 03:11:25 pm

Awesome to hear! Glad it resonated with you.

Reply
Stephanie
6/8/2016 03:39:53 am

Hi Svava, I often wonder why it takes so long to work through child sexual abuse. There are days when I feel healing is just around the corner, then the next day I regress back to that state of numbness and isolate myself from everyone. This article helps me to understand why healing must happen in stages. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. You are an inspiration for me. Much love!

Reply
Svava
6/8/2016 03:15:26 pm

Glad this article helps you and that you are inspired. We have many different parts that need healing, and until they are all recovered and integrated into one complete whole, it feels like back in forth but it is a circular process. Just like growing up, we have parts that regress until they have learned what they needed to learn in that particular stage of development. Sounds like you are doing a beautiful job. Much love.

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Kristina
6/10/2016 06:04:24 am

Lots of support, Stephanie !

Reply
Kristina
6/10/2016 05:42:28 am

Yes, thank you very much for your wisdom, Svava ! Very helpful, again.
I feel I am not so alone in it. Slowly I start to understand the PTDS.
I start to recognise the sense of urgency and the speed in my mind (it happens every day, actually several times a day when my mind gears up). I notice it usually around meal and with little triggers, often when things get not my way (some delay, PC does not work, when the abusive person I know comes around, when I need to go somewhere I feel I== d be abandondoned, no support or I´d have to argue, step for myself, or sometimes when watching TV, hearing fast music, negative news -conflicts, war, news in generally..)..actually there are tons of things. It can end up as anger or fear (the PTDS I guess, those that can last for hours, in emotional flashback for me even 1-2 days). I start to observe my mind and try to catch this speed, the fight or flight. What works for me is to occupy my senses: I put flowers close to me and watch them or smell them, often in the meal time, something tasteful and fine (Italian cheese) can miracoulously stop this speed of my mind. Also just sitting, relaxing, close my PC, don´t search any more information, feel the sensations in my body.
Firstly, I was afraid that I will need 5-10 years to recover (but I have had some kind of symptoms already for 4 years, it only got worse, and before I was very codependent, overcompensating). Today, I am grateful when I have not the speed-symptoms so often (this huge anger, anxiety, the heaviness on my chest or the huge pressure: numbness). Glad to hear that the healing happens in circular steps.
There is hope.

Reply
Kristina
6/10/2016 06:45:53 am

I appreciate to hear about the 3 stages of healing.
When I came to psychotherapy, I did not know about it, and unfortunately, the therapist pressured me to speed up, concretely to cut the contact with my mother (and family). I geared up in my mind and wanted to "do it right and fast", and fell sick just after several sessions of the therapy with a chronic infection.
I am very much sure that this is not a good idea to speed up this way.
I had jumped over any deeper knowledge, fear, emotions. The sad thing is that I did not do it on my own (I would have not had this idea that time), but the heath care professional supposed to help in sickness -as parents in childhood). When I examine my emotions today, I know that (finally) the huge fear has arrived about receiving support. Resistance towards receiving support. I am happy I know about it.
The experience of the abuse in therapy will remain a memento for me to know about these 3 stages of healing and focus more on my emotions, feeling safe, well, go slow, slow, slow and it is fine (the momentum). I survived it. I hope I cannot go back to the same place.

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Svava Brooks
Educate4Change
Dedicated to Ending the Cycle of Child Sexual Abuse
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