Blog About Healing and Recovery after Child Sexual Abuse

Why It’s Important to Set Emotional Boundaries

7/3/2016

We all know we need firm emotional boundaries with the people in our lives. But we’re survivors of child sexual abuse. We were never taught how to create healthy emotional boundaries.

Instead, we grew up to be adults with no firm boundaries in place, making it too easy for abusive people to hurt us. And they have.

But that’s about to change. Today, I’m going to tell you how to set healthy emotional boundaries and how to defend them.

Let’s start with what’s true about you. This is your truth: You are a precious spirit of Divine Love, who deserves to be treated with love and respect. No exceptions.

Your truth defines your emotional boundaries. Unfortunately, abusers have extremely low self-esteem and enjoy violating emotional boundaries. Here’s how they do it. This is what emotional abuse looks like:

Challenging: Someone who says “No” to or argues with everything you say.
Interrupting: Someone who constantly interrupts everything you say by changing the subject.
Gaslighting: Someone who twists reality. The abuser denies his/her actions, hurtful words, promises, etc. The goal is to make you doubt your sanity.
Belittling: Someone who criticizes or makes fun of everything about you (how you look, dress, talk, your decisions, your intelligence, etc.).

The emotional abusers in your life may be family, friends, coworkers, or your spouse. Don’t allow these people to violate your emotional boundaries. Remember, your truth defines your boundaries. Your boundaries say you deserve to be treated with love and respect. No exceptions.

Once you set emotional boundaries, you’ll have to defend them. That’s a must. To do this, use the abuser’s favorite word: No. When an emotional boundary is crossed, calmly say: “No, I don’t agree with that” or “No, that’s not true about me” or “No, that’s not what I think.”

Then walk away. Cut all emotional abusers out of your life. You don’t need them. If some are family members, limit your time with them.

Be patient with yourself. It can take up to six months to feel comfortable defending your emotional boundaries. But practice makes perfect. And it will get easier. I promise!
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Do you need to set emotional boundaries in your life, but you don’t know where to start? If so, don’t worry. I can help you with that. Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me. My calendar is filling up fast, so don’t wait. Let me help you heal your life. Reserve your spot NOW!

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6 Comments

Claudia

7/5/2016 11:23:21 am

Thanks you for a clear and straight answer!

Svava

7/9/2016 03:46:28 pm

You are welcome Claudia! Much Love to you.

Karen

7/6/2016 05:31:33 am

I loved this article; it made so much sense, but very difficult to do. Thank you for all of your courage, strength, & love.

7/9/2016 03:47:35 pm

I am so glad to her that Karen. I agree it is difficult to do, in the beginning. Like all things, we need to practice and having a safe community to do so, helps. You are so very welcome. Sending you love and light.

Kristina

7/8/2016 03:21:11 am

I can relate so much to having not many boundaries in place, especially the emotional ones. I am still not aware of my emotional boundaries and the fact that they can be crossed, abused.
Most of my abusers in adult life had abused me emotionally. I am an empath (I needed a help of a psychic and hand analyst to figure this out). It is just an information, I cannot feel it in me, however I do understand that abusive people love this in me the most: I overgive naturally, I have been wounded and I have no idea that an abuse is happening.
I have experienced often the interrupting: changing my topic and (mis)lead to another, not answering my question, the problem was not resolved. I even did not know where I end up with my intitial quest. I thought it was my fault.
I also know gaslighting: I was told that my emotions are not right, I wast too sensitive over things, I was too difficult, I was making things up. I was excessively lied to, directly into my eyes, I caught people/parents, exbf/ to distort the reality, them making things up, telling me bad things about other people or the world (I start to believe more and more that it was conscious gaslight, or at least within consciousness). I heard many promises from my exbf...nothing he really ment to do, most of them never happened in the reality. Concerning my education, I had a supervisor who used hurtful words (picked up in still "normality"). I felt gaslighted into the reality that I am such a incompetent person. I started to doubt how I finished school with 18 (this is where I got what was going on and left).
Belittling: my mother´s and grandfather´s common method, also the method of the psychotherapeut (abuse in psychotherapy). I was making fun for my anger against abuse - I was told I was too nervous as ....used some methaphors. I was belittled about my look (the long, the colour of my hair), about my high (being sarcastically told I was a dwarf) or about my weigh (I was too skinny as a skeleton, or I was fat as big sausage) -all happened in my childhood. Until last year, my mother still allowed to tell me (in the right moment) that with such a face I have (infection on my face) she would not get out of the house. I made it clear to her to never talk about my face. Sometimes I get her pitty looks.
The hardest belittling and sarcastic commnents I found in the therapy because I came there to get help. He made fun of my voice (was not right, too weak, too loud..), I did not understand him (I was stupid ?), I wanted to talk, interrupt his monologues, he made fun of my grey hair (am I going to wait until I get completely grey to find a man ?..), also about the fact that I have no proper occuption even with my education (no word about the fact that I became seriously physically sick after starting this therapy)...
The challenging way: it was partially also the psychotherapist, and then my supervisor and grandfather: most of the things I said or suggested were "wrong", "stupid", not good enough, I needed to be adjusted, added, repaired.
I was mainly not aware that an abuse of mine was going on.
I love to hear that I can be treated with LOVE and RESPECT !
My truth definies my boundaries.
Yes, it takes me a long, long time to figure out the emotional abuser in my life. Past 4 years, I had been cutting people more and more out of my life. I am no longer in contact with the grandfather and his family. Past months, I cut the psychotherapist.
A relief !
I have "only" the mother left. I can so far only teach her to treat me better as I cannot move out.
I truly appreciate to acknowledge that it takes time. I cannot be hard or harsh on me (I often jump into PTDS anger if I figure out that somebody has been misusing me and then, I cannot stop the anger for days). I need to slow it down.
Thank you very much, Svava.

7/9/2016 03:50:09 pm

Hi friend, thank you for sharing your journey with us. You have gained some awesome clarity. It is difficult to sort out in the beginning.
Yes, being angry with yourself only adds to your self criticism. Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself, you are a miracle sweet woman. Every step forward is a breakthrough. You got this.
Keep up the good work, don't give up on yourself. I believe in you. Much Love

Why It’s Important to Set Emotional Boundaries

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